Da ONe WiF MaNy FaCeS...

Beautiful to Dull

2007-06-16T08:46:00.000-07:00

Rose Petals on my window sill
Smell reminds me of you
What used to be beautiful
Has it turned dull lately?

The hurricane came
Swept me off my feet
My mind is relentless
Restlestness seeps in

Will I remain?
Will you abide?
I thought of you today
How could you say that to me?

Searching for a deeper meaning
Words spoken and thoughts thought aloud
Waves are crashing again
Can you see it?

Hope begins to wither and fade
How much longer can I hold on?
If only I let go
Will it come back to me?

Was it all in my head?
Did i think this whole thing up?
Something that felt so real
Caught in a surreal dimension

Wanted it so bad
Wanted illusions to surface
Cross out doubts and uncertainty
Let me lay here in your arms

Hold me and tell me
You'll always be here
Why must something true
and sought after
Be so hard to find?

Is happiness and fulfilment
Too hard to achieve?
Will I ever find my place
in this universe?

Wake me with a kiss
When you arrive
Please, don't be afraid to
disturb my slumber
If only you knew
How long I have waited for this moment

please...
Wake me...

Profound thoughts...

2007-04-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

I realised that I do have some kind of a weird problem.

When I'm really busy and caught up with stuff, I no
longer have the ability to discern how I feel or how
I'd react and respond to certain circumstances and
situation.

It's almost as if I'm not in touch with my inner self.

I don't really know Esther all that well.

Do you?

I think I need to getaway.
I hate making hard decisions.
Why does it have to be this way or the other?

Just leave me alone.

Maybe I'm just tired of thinking.
Striving, and fighting.

I honestly think I'm drifting further and further
away. It's not helping me to be a better person.

Sometimes, i realise that I do sweep things under
the rug. It's not that I don't wanna deal with it.
But , it's too tough to find a solution.
It's not that I don't wanna care.
I'm fed up of trying to fix things.

I'm not the Esther who always have to get to the
bottom of things and find out the real deal anymore.
I'm getting used to just being and just becoming.
No explanations, no confrontations, no trashing out.
Let people be what and who they wanna be.
Don't wanna go figure why or how or when.

Somehow, even I don't know what I want or how I
feel. Even if you ask me, I wouldn't know what to say.

Is it real? Was it there? Was it ever there?
Is this now a replacement of whatever happened?
Do I feel like this just as a reaction to THAT?

Numb. on the inside. Like I don't know whether
my feelings are for real. Or am I just lonely?
This is so pathetic. I don't wanna be pathetic.
Dont' know what is real or fake anymore.
Seem to be getting this feel a lot these couple
of months. I think I really am turning desperate.

Wanna bend some rules now. Don't you think
it's tiring to keep up and try to be nice and
follow everything people ask you to do?
or doing everything within boundaries and limits?
So boring...

well,if you happen to know where to find me or
where I've gone...
Please... Let me know..

"I wish I was the doctor and someone else was the rep"

2007-04-06T02:41:00.000-07:00

"I wish I was the doctor
and someone else was the rep"

Doesn't that sentence says it all?

=P

Hmm, it could the title of a very
interesting movie.

Here are some points to ponder for the day:

*If only drs knew how they make my day
when they allow me to see them

*One harsh tone could spoil my entire mood

*Rejection is hard to swallow

*If you can't handle rejection, don't opt to do
sales

*Be as thick-skinned as you can be to sell

*At the end of the day, your relationship
with people will reward you

*I know I won't do this long term

*I don't know why I didn't study medicine

*Did you know that drs lie too? They tell you
they use your product when they actually dont
just to get you out of their face. I know, I know..
Stop gawking. It was hard
for me to believe at first too!
(ps, pls don't tell any dr I said that =P)

*It's so nice to be the dr! The whole world is
waiting just to catch a few seconds with you.

*No one will shout at you or speak to you rudely
if you were the dr.(well, at least most of the time)

Point is, I just wanna know what it feels like
to be in the shoes of the dr instead of the rep.
Being a sales exec, you always feel so....
open to rejection. Like I'm ready to be kicked
out or shouted at anytime, anywhere.
I guess all sales people are that annoying huh?
I mean, if I were me, I'd kick me too =P
Won't you?

Lolz.

Sighs.

We still have to do what we do to live.
Don't we all do what we do just to survive?
Not everyone has the luxury to do what
they REALLY want to do.

Oh well, enough pondering for the day.

Wishful thinking is only wishful thinking
at the end of the day.

Oh yea,before I forget.

Have a BLESSED GOOD FRIDAY.

HE gives me more reason to live
than anything else I can ever work for. =)

Faithfulness

2007-03-28T02:24:00.000-07:00

I said in the post before this
that He is the one who never fails me..

Things have been really challenging
since i started my new job
I like the company and the office
The thing I cherish the most
are my colleagues:)
Met such wonderful friends and people
whom I know I can rely on
Who's willing to help this poor
innocent, naive girl get use to
This Cruel and Harsh Working world =P

For a pharmaceutical company,
there are 3 different sectors
that we cover
1) The government hospitals
2) The private hospitals
3) GPs and pharmacies

Being new in this entire environment
I didn't know I was given the toughest
are to cover : The Private Hospitals

It's the end of the 1st quarter for this year.
My colleagues covering gov already hit
their target and exceeded. Eg : 148%
Us poor reps covering private hovering
around 70 to 80%.

As of today...
A blacklisted hospital under my coverage
is approved to buy 3 boxes of insulin.
That in itself is a miracle
For the whole of last year they were
strictly forbidden to purchase anything
because of their debts and unsettled payments.

A major hospital which has constantly
been purchasing 20 boxes every month
purchased 30 boxes for March.

See?

Told you He never fails me...

*Grin grin grin*

I feel like celebrating..
Awesome Thai food with my family tonight.

YUMMY!! sounds great! =)

Formula That Never Fails..

2007-03-28T02:06:00.000-07:00

We humans spend our entire lifetime
Trying to find the RIGHT formula
For every problem
The miracle cure
For every disease
The ultimate anti-failure proven solution
To solve men's misery and take away
the sorrows of this world

And yet so often
I tend to overlook
this REVELATION that I've found
this Saviour who has come to save the world

HE IS THE ANSWER!!!

Don't really wanna sound
like a religious freak
But I don't wanna be a selfish freak either
Nor someone who won't give credit
to the Person who has saved my life

If you're looking for an answer?
A solution?
He is the ONe who never fails you..

Funny how I never learn
No matter how many times
Men fail me
I still seem to always stupidly
put my trust in them
Or hope for something better
Expect some awesome thing to happen
Yet time and again
They always , always let me down

Then there goes the routine again
I fall down
Bruise myself
Start to bleed
Shed some tears

Gosh, when will this stupidity end?

It's time to catch this revelation
and hold on to it
I'm Never gonna let go of You
Never again..

Regrettable incidences...

2007-03-12T01:43:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when you make a mistake?

When you are in the blur and not in the know?

When you could've done things more skillfully?

Handled the situation much better?

Doesn't it frustrate you when people counted on you
but you let them down?

Don't you just land in remorse when you could've
but you didn't?

That's why humans naturally dislike changes.
When things seem unfamiliar, it feels so difficult
to adapt and adjust again.
Feels so tedious, the entire process of learning
from scratch again.

Just like the way we have to learn how to work
at a new job we just took.

Or like the way we have to study an entire module
to get pass an exam so we can get a degree.

Like the way we give up on one relationship and
break up, and then we have to get to know another
person from the start to have another.

Like the way we can never stop learning because
everything that we do has a learning curve, else
we'll never move up or progress.

I can't wait for things to get familiar again at work.

Can't wait for my schedule to fit in and settle down
and not be so full of suprises. Then again, what's life
without sudden surges and peaks and surprises?=P

Can't wait to find someone I'm familiar with. Someone
I can call my own.

Can't wait to get a pet. When will I? *ish* Been waiting
my whole life!

Can't wait to experience breakthroughs and miracles
in my own life.

Can't wait to breathe the air of freedom, free in my
spirit and also other physical things such as finances.

Can't wait to just BE. I want to JUST BE. I want to stop
striving. Be who I'm meant to be. Be who I'm made to be.

Don't you?

Funny how so many of us just work for the sake of making
a living. I'm tired of just working cause I need to pay off bills.
When will I get to just BE?

Ahhh.. daydreaming is SWEET! =)
Now I shall get back to work.
But Daddy holds so many more lovely suprises
in His hands.

I just can't wait! =D

*The happiest people doesn't necessarily have
the best things in life... They are the ones who
make the most out of everything that comes
their way....*

V Day

2007-02-12T02:17:00.000-08:00

I always get so mushy and emotional
everytime I watch a love comedy or
a romance movie. Such a sucker for
movies like 'Serendipity',' As good
as it gets' and the like. Watched
'The Holiday' 3 days back. Sighs..

Isn't funny how we all get so phobic
and afraid that we'll repeat our mistakes
and be so scared to try again?
I know for a fact that i'm so much more
careful now and cautious about
relationships. It's happening all
around me. Make up, Break up.
Seems like the norm these days.
Or rather so many hearts were broken.
Makes me so upset just thinking about it.
=(

I often wonder whether I'll ever find
the right person. Seems so far off.
The idea,I mean. Finally finding
someone who's everything you've ever
prayed for and more. yea,I know I know.
HE will come someday. Maybe I'm impatient
to find out =). But I do have a feeling
it won't be anytime soon. Not for at least
another year or so.

Sighs, I should just come back down to
earth and snap out of my day dreaming.
Duty calls. So much to do, so much to
live for. I can't just let all this
wishful thinking disrupt my life =P.
All I've got to do is trust. Do my
part and wait for my gift =).

P.S Oh, by the way..................
Can I have one with blue eyes please?
Like those, really big round pretty ones?
yea, That's it. Thanks =)and oh yea,
with dimples too? Grazias!!!

Stepping into the Challenge

2007-02-12T02:04:00.000-08:00

WORK

Work is starting to pick up.
I've finished my 1 month training
and it's time to go out into the
field. Amazingly, Daddy helped me
pass my assessment test whereby
I had NO TIME to study at all
cause I was so busy with AYA
Fest and all =).IT was all worth
it in the end.

Still so much to learn and so much
to adjust and adapt to. I know
I'd feel so much better after
getting used to the hospitals that
I need to cover and drs I've to
visit. Then, I can start to bend
here and there and be flexible.
Meet up with people whenever I can.
I'd really love to do that. =)

Am loving it at my new job. Nice office.
Good bosses and colleagues. I still
wonder how 8 of us new recruits get
along so well with each other. Later,
realised I really liked every single
one of them =). Bravo to my bosses who
did such an awesome job at selecting the
new peeps. Miss them heaps tho, those
who have gone back to their outstation
bases.

I like my boss. Paramme Hassan is his name.
A Siamese Malay guy who's really good looking.
I seriously think the people in my company
are all generally hot and fun and nice!
How awesome =). We have free soft drinks
in the office! FOC! Kickapoo is my favorite
at the moment. And we have so many hampers!
Don't know how many Famous Amos and Ferrero
Roches I've downed within the past few weeks.

Once again,I've to admit I do get
jittery and nervous and excited at the same
time thinking about the challenges that I've
to face soon. But, I can't help being so
grateful that I've Someone up there whom
I can rely and depend on. Don't you? =P

There'll be challenges ahead. Dry land,
parched and bare just like the desert.
But you shall be like a butterfly that
flies across this land and make the flowers
start to bloom and grow. It will be beautiful.

Thank You, Daddy. =) I am so grateful.
Your promise is what i'll cling on to
this year. Love You for always and ever.

Don't Miss This!

2007-01-24T03:18:00.000-08:00

Call me if you're interested to come!!
Quick Quick!! LIMITED SEATS!! =)

AYA Hub The Unplugged!!!

2007-01-15T02:14:00.000-08:00

A Campus City event.

Watch out people, Acoustic Nite is
coming back in the form of
Unplugged@TheHub Wednesday night, 17th
of January 2006! This time, we have more
student acts showcasing their musical
talents, plus the very talented local
singer Mia Palencia will once again be
gracing our event with her presence,
beautiful voice and great music! Yay!
You can't miss this one!

Date: 17 Jan 07
Time: 8-10p.m.
Venue: The Hub, 34C, SS15 (Opposite
Taylor's College, above AYA Kafe)

THE TIDE HAS COME AND GONE

2007-01-08T02:58:00.000-08:00

The last time I blogged was on December 20th.
I cannot even begin to express or tell of the events which
have taken place in my life since then. But I shall try =)

First of all, Acts Church Christmas Production 2006 on
23rd,24th and 25th of December 2006.
It was a whole load of fun! Many thanks to the Director,
Mr Ding, the SPO,cast and crew, every single person
who really contributed and made the entire production
such a blast!

Was such a priviledge and honour to act beside Jason Khong
and Philip Gan. Thanks for the many laughters and humour
that we shared together=P. Really was such a memorable time
for me! All the funny practices that we had and me laughing at
Pierce till I was ROFL-ing. That was really AWESOME!:P
Would wanna do it again ;)

All the glory to my Daddy in heaven who gave us grace and
strength to pull everything thru. Thank you for each and every
soul who came to know You. =) My soul leaped for joy
for each precious one.

26th December 2006
I closed my first deal or sale totalling to an amount of RM96,000.
Once again, all glory to Daddy. No other reason why the deal
came thru except for His hand and His favor.

This deal came from an O&G doctor in a government hospital
in Kelantan. I only met the dr. twice over the past few months.
He has never even seen the Ultrasound scanner which he purchased
from my company. The best thing was that they were able to pay
us the full amount by cheque unlike 90% of other cases with the
government where companies had to wait many months for the
full payment to clear. This particular doctor even stated later that
he only got the machine from me because I was the only sales rep
who went to see him and there were no other reps from the more
established brands who went to see him.

Truly BLESSED =)

Just waiting for my commission to come thru.
it's WORK IN PROGRESS. ;)

27th December 2006

I had an interview due on 27th. Somewhere along the way
I decided I should go back to doing telecommunications which
was my background. So I called in and said sorry, I wasn't
coming in for the interview although I knew they were gonna
offer me the job already.

The international sales manager called me up and asked me to
reconsider. Wow... I thought that was amazing. I don't see stuff
like that happen everyday ;). So I thought since I could make it,
I went ahead anyway just to see what they're offering.

Went to the office. Met the boss. Stunned with the offer.
They were even willing to buy me over because they wanted
all the new recruits to start in Jan. I had one day to consider.

It was funny how I thought I really didn't want this job already.
But God turned things around.I even felt at peace with the job
and the bosses and colleagues and my managers. They're
SERIOUSLY nice, awesome people!

Conclusion is I took the job. I'm DELIRIOUS!!!

So many months of agony in waiting for the right job to come along.
This one's truly a blessing. Thank You, Daddy. =)

1st January 2007

Went to Joshua, Wee Liem and Gim Han's house warming party=)
Had lots of fun especially meeting the so many faces I haven't
seen in so long! Then after countdown, went up to Gentings
with the breakers and Rach and Ona. =) Goodness I seriously
haven't NOT SLEEP like that in a very long time.

Was starting to stone when dawn came. Stupidla... we didn't
get to see the SUNSET RISE =) LoLs. Don't even know what
we did. Just walking around, taking pictures and enjoying the
beautiful decorations in the hotels=) Went for the FLying Coaster
ride which was so much fun but short-lived! Then came back
to KL, straightaway went to Times Square.

Dont' ask me how I did it. I bought RM200 worth of clothes and 2
pairs of shoes althought I haven't slept the entire night.
The amazing qualities of a woman;)

Phew! okay... That's done. The rest of the updates to be continued ;)

Dance with my Father...

2006-12-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

When I meditated on the word Guidance, I kept seeing "dance" at the end of the word.

I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing.

When two people try to lead, nothing feels right.

The movement doesn't flow with the music,

and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky.

When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead,

both bodies begin to flow with the music.

One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back
or by pressing Lightly in one direction or another.

It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully.

The dance takes surrender, willingness,

and attentiveness from one person

and gentle guidance and skill from the other.
My eyes drew back to the word Guidance.

When I saw "G: I thought of God, followed by "U" and "I".

"God, "U" and "I" dance."

God, you, and I dance.

As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust

that I would get guidance about my life.

Once again, I became willing to let God lead.

My prayer for you today is that God's blessings

and mercies be upon you on this day and everyday.

May you abide in God as God abides in you.

Dance together with God, trusting God to lead

and to guide you through each season of your life.

*Author Unknown*

23 years

2006-12-18T09:30:00.000-08:00

It's my birthday today.
*smiles*
I am happy:) i really am.
I started the day off at 12am with someone calling
and wishing me happy birthday;) 1st person to call.

Hahahah..
okay,okay consider that an achievement.
Then I missed a few calls cause everyone was calling
at the same time.

Thank YOU for being the person that you are.
Ever so admirable and gentle.
Thank You for 'Charcoal', it doesn't look like me!
Thank You for making my feet happy, they are still delirious!
and so is my entire being.
Thank you for coming during working hours and leaving me a card.
Thank YOu all for coming together and ending my day with a blast.
Nothing's more precious to me than hard to come by friends like YOU.
Thank YOU for being the best family that i can ever have.
I won't trade you guys for anything.
Thank you for calling and smsing,every single one of you.
Thank you to every single person who made a difference in my life.
Thank you for making me feel ever so appreciated.
I feel so blessed and i cherish each person who remembered.
Thank you.

I turned 23 today.
I am happier and more at peace than what i was a few months before.
Yet, i know.
There's a time for everything.
Still so many things to learn.
So many things waiting for me to pick up, to settle,
to do, to decide.

Daddy God,
Hold my hand as i walk through this journey of life.
Never will i want to disobey You.
Never will i want to displease You.
I was created in Your image.
Forgive me when i have sinned and brought shame to Your name.
Thank You that You are God and I am not.
Therefore, l lay my life down at Your feet.
23 years of my life i lay before You.
If ever i've wasted any moment of these 23 years
doing nonsense, I pray for YOur forgiveness.
Show me YOur ways, Abba Father.
TO live my life to the fullest,maximise the potential in me,
according to Your purposes and destiny for my life.
Your will be done and not mine.
For the perfect job, perfect ministry, perfect life partner...
These 3 things I look forward to, and i place in Your hands.
I say, Have Your way, O God...
Be it unto me according to Your will and Your Master plan...
Most of all, I am Your servant.
Each time You call, I won't refuse and I won't delay.
Teach my heart to be quick to obey.
To heed Your voice and come when You call.
It is all meaningless if I do not have You in my life.
Be in my life, Daddy...
Every single area and every single part.
Be the Lord of my life..
Be the Love of my life..
I love You
and I fall in love with You even more so everyday.Amen.

Enjoy the rain

2006-12-03T02:36:00.000-08:00

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Sometimes..

That sounds like a line from a song...
oh wait a minute, yeah it is...

I'm now a 7 month old graduate..
I still feel so unprepared,
Not ready

I feel like i've been caught up in a whirlwind
Ever since i graduated

Issues that never seems to stop coming
like the way the waves keep crashing onto the shore

Like the way I keep fighting
and have no rest

Working world, Family, friends,relationship,
health, reality
Did you know reality bites?

Maybe there are lessons to be learnt
In every single turn
In every single pivot
In every single turning point
There's always something hidden
A secret waiting to unfold
A heartbeat waiting to be heard
A love yet to be discovered

So much more that my heart needs to bear
A burden that I can only carry thus far
It is time to lay down my life
Surrender all
But do i really know what it means?
To give my all?

I still find it so hard
Battling those feelings
time and again

Seeking the peace
that is so hard to come by
Teach my heart O God
to find rest in You

Things I'll never say...

2006-11-14T02:38:00.000-08:00

I miss YOU sometimes.. hmm betcha won't even know.. not ever.. maybe never;)
You are sooo .... GAYAAA!!!

I'm here but i don't know whether i'll call U or not..
nahhh dun think so... maybe next time
THis time around it's too short, I'm tired. Lazy laaa...

You drove me crazy for a short while last week when I 1st met U.
U made me do drastic things that i never tot i wud ever do.
I think i'm getting more and more agressive these days..
Good Lord, someone stoppp mee!!!
Then again, prolly nth will come out of it.. haha
but i still think u're real cute;)

You reli pissed me off.
I know better now.
YOU will never be able to hurt me EVER again.
But i mean well. God bless

You reli touched my life.
Maybe this phase of my life happened so we kud meet?
GOd bless U no matter where U r and i know
you're gonna be a professional photographer someday;)

You still mean everything to me.
Sorry, Daddy
Can i come back now, pls?

QEWT!

2006-11-14T02:18:00.000-08:00

THREE-year-old Reese: “Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.”

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. Thrice, his father asked him what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied:
“That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.”

I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us from e-mail.”

One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, five, and Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”
Kevin turned to his brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

A man was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
“Daddy, what happened to him?” the boy asked.
“He died and went to Heaven,” the father replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the daughter replied.
“Just say what you hear Mummy say.”
The girl bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

*Hahahahahahahhahahahah.... Hohohohohohooo........ HIhihihihihiiiii.....*

-silence-

*WHAT?!?!?!?CUTE MAHHHHHH*=P

i know

2006-10-30T04:51:00.000-08:00

i know
there are trials
and tough times
bad times
screwed up times

i know
i have to be strong
i have to fight it
don't let it take over

i know
many ppl had had worse
i might not know the meaning of
true suffering
things could be a lot worse

i know
i have to trust
i need to have faith
i need to believe

i know
i know

but

i

am

so

tired...

i

wanna

give

up

pls?

One Day

2006-10-12T02:27:00.000-07:00

One Day...

One day
i'll take a walk with You
"thank you Daddy"
and i smiled
You smiled back at me

I saw the heavens open
The blue clouds were spread out above
I'll ask You
" Daddy, why did I not get this thing that
i've desired for so long?"
" You are not ready, My Child"
I pouted for a bit
But we continued walking

The sand was tickling our feet
The waves were crashing softly on the shore
As if whispering
"This is your chance... ask Him why"
"why.. why ... why?"
I stopped for a while and thought for a bit
Then I asked " Daddy, pls tell me why?"

Your gentle face was patient and kind
You smiled again and looked at me
Slowly, i could hear Your voice
"You will find out soon enough,
tarry a while with Me My Daughter.."
I kept quiet
I fidgeted
I was impatient to discover the reasons
But we kept walking

My thoughts were scattered
Question marks were fluttering around in my head
I wanted to ask again
This ..or that...
How.. why and what.. when and where??
I bit my lip but i voiced out
"I want to know why, pls Daddy?"

You held Your expression calm and peaceful
You did not say a word
I got impatient
"I want to know...!"
My heart was frustrated
I was not satisfied with His answer

"Pls tell me! You have to!"
I cried out in pain
By this time I didn't even realise
My voice was getting louder
I was raising my voice
I lifted my eyes to the heavens
Grey clouds had replaced the blue ones
Skies were getting gloomy and ugly
The light has dimmed on us

"My Child, come walk with Me a while more"
I wanted to pull my hand away
"No Daddy, i don't want to! You have to tell me now!"
Sadness spread over Your kind features
I could feel Your heart soften
The thunder sounded
and it began to rain

You tried to coax me again
"Come now, let's walk again "
I took away my hand from Yours
"NO! I will not walk anymore unless YOu tell me WHY!!!"
My heart grew heavier and heavier
I feel the burden pressing in

You slowly turned to look at me
You turned until we were standing face to face
My heart broke as I began to realise
There were tears in Your eyes

"Do you not trust Me?"
You asked gently and softly
"well... " I stuttered
"I do! but... It's not fair! and I want to know why!"
I shouted...

My heart softened as I saw Your face
So full of compassion and grace
"You did not have to compare,
I've given you all that you need.
You did not have to ask,
I've already provided.
You did not have to know,
Trust in Me and you will know why.
Did I not die for You?
Did i not give my life so you could live?
Look around you..
The world is still spinning
The sun still rises and sets
The tide still comes in
I'm still in control
If only you could see what I've planned for you
If you only knew
My blessings are abundant
If only you would tarry a while
and walk with Me
I'll show you..."

I was speechless
As i lifted my eyes
There was no reason to feel this way
I had no right to question Him
I felt guilty
I had thought He did not care
If only I'd trusted
He was right
HE knew everything
and He carries the weight of the world on His shoulders
and He holds the future

Suddenly it all became clear
I had no reason to worry
the Creator of the Universe
was on my side

"I'm sorry,... Daddy"
I mumbled
" I just doubted for a while back there...
I couldn't bring myself to look at Him

He began to reach out
and grabbed my hand
"Come, my Child. We still have a long way to go"
He said as a smile came and litted up his face
He pointed straight ahead into the unknown
"You don't have to worry. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm still holding your hand and I'm not letting go"
The rain had become a drizzle
and i could feel the heat as the sun slowly peeked out
from behind the bleak skies

I held His hand tight and squeezed it
"Daddy, daddy, pls don't ever leave me"
Now it was my turn to tear
But the tears that ran down my cheek
was not tears of sorrow
They were tears of relief and gratefulness

He bended His knee and looked at me at my level
His beautiful face glowing now
Radiating as the rainbow that
had slowly stretched out in the skies
He stretched out His arms
I saw the nail pierced hands
and I cried harder
" i'm sorry for ever doubting You Daddy.
I'm sorry I thought YOu didn't care.."
I sobbed...

"It's alright, My Child. Everything's going
to be alright..."
His voice soothed my soul as His arms
came around me and embraced me
He picked me up
and I eased my head to rest on His shoulder
and I closed my eyes and feel Him start to walk again
"I'm carrying you now. Trust me...."
I put my arms around His neck and held on to Him

My heart was at ease
The feeling of joy and love
shed abroad in my heart
It was indescriable
But i knew I've found something
pure and something the world
can never give me

"Thank you... Daddy.. I love you..."
I said as i felt myself falling into
a deep rest as He walked us both into the unknown
I didn't have to strive
He, My Daddy is carrying me through...

Holding my breath underwater

2006-10-05T02:15:00.000-07:00

It really does feel like that..
Like i'm suffocating
Nauseous
Dizzy

I can't wait to move up to the surface
Emerge from the tide and turbulence
Draw in a breath of fresh air
My heart so longs for

I don't think i qualify for
being a young working adult more than 2 mths
But i am feeling the stress
I feel sick
I feel pressured to perform
but not given or provided proper training
Most of the time i just feel like
a mad chicken being released out of the coop
when KNOWINGLY, there are ppl waiting behind bushes
to capture and slaughter me..

Okay, mayb dat's a funnier description
On a more serious note
i feel like a lamb
Keeping silent before its shearer

I think it's unfair
I think i need to voice out
It's reli dumb to expect someone to perform a recital
when he/she can't even read a single note on the chord sheet

Truth is,
I'm getting sick and tired n bored
n i'm thinking to myself
I need more patience
I need to have long-suffering skills
den again, I do think whether i am in the right career path

It reli bothers me to know my colleagues are leaving
One by One
Every single precious one of them
People who are keeping me at doing what i'm doing

They've all gotten better offers
Mind you, compared to what we were getting
There are BOMBASTIC, FUNTASTIC offers
den I feel like applying to wherever they're going
Den i think again, do i reli wana do this?
the money might be good
but Do i reli wanan work in this line?

I feel like i'm retarded sometimes
My growth i mean,
sometimes i feel like i'm ready to run
other times i feel like i need someone
to assist my crawling
I should be old enough to make my own decisions
Truth is, i dunno what i wanna do
I reli dun wanan waste everything i've studied
for the past 5 yrs
but i reli can't be a technical person
I NEED CLOSURE

i'm just reli frustrated now
I wish God will drop me a sign from heaven
I wanna do sumtin that can maximise my skills,
talents and personality to the fullest...
but i dunno how
n i'm tired of thinking how..

N i'm sad
Sad that close frens are not so close anymore
I feel like i've lost a lil part of me
since i started working
i honestly dun think i'm as crazy as b4
as jovial and funny as b4
most of the times i'm js TRYING 2 b happy
n dat upsets me
i dun recall the last time i actually laughed
till i cried
which i so often do when i was studying

help
i need CLOSURE

i'm still holding my breath underwater
will someone show me how to surface pls?

chaozzzz...

2006-09-01T04:05:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry if i've hurt you
I never meant to
Sometimes i know the things i say
the way i react
affects you

will the friendship come back?

when i go,how will my life change?

Am i still in tune to what He wants for me?

Sometimes i wanna say so much,
But... I'd rather not
SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID

You'll never know
how close you are to getting it
sometimes i tot you did
but it turns out
YOu did not

It might be
It could be
possibilities are always der
but
everytime i feel like
it's just SOO CLOSE
something happens
that just takes the feeling away again

i'm not consistent
i'm sorry
this is as good as it gets

i've nothing left to offer

I'm worried sick
Pls take care of her
Don't let her go another second
Knowing You are in control

Everyone's saying a lot
But who actually cares enough
to talk to the person?
To address the REAL issue

TALK TALK TALK
maybe i should learn to be quiet

Sometimes we all just wear masks
and walk around

people who think they can say
anything they want about people
they don't reli know

Who do u think u r?
YOu have NO RIGHT

pls look at yourself again
b4 you comment about someone else

as i'm typing this
random thoughts are charging thru my brain

I talk as if i'm talking to YOU
but am i?
I talk and i refer to myself too
not only YOU

sometimes it's my fault
but sometimes it's not
stop it
stop it

no more saying
no more talking
no more judging
no more slandering

quiet.

peace.

be still , o my soul
be still and know
that He

is

GOD

2 weeks...

2006-08-27T01:33:00.000-07:00

2 weeks since i started my 1st job.
Interesting. Yet tiring. Scary at the same time.
More n more is being expected outta me.
I'm doing my best, I really am.

Sometimes i'm afraid of being bullied,
being ignorant in da 'real,'harsh',
'deceitful',"EVIL' working world that
i feel at times is out to get all us
NAIVE, YOUNG, FRESH graduates.

It's been 2 weeks. I FOUND out stuff that
makes me go 'ewwww' or 'WTH' in my office.
But then again, that's working life. Coz
not every1has the oppurtunity to work with
great companies like SHELL and so on who
has their employee's best interest at hand.

80% of the companies and organisations just
wanan suck the life n the money u can make dem
outta u. And we, being the least fortunate
with ' FRESHIEE!!!' stamped on our foreheads
when we 1st come into our 1st job.=P

Maybe sum of u seniors might have diff feelings
and experience bt this la:P but dat's how i feel.
It's such a different world that i've come 2 know
outside the PROTECTIVE circle of my uni. Now
i feel so out in the open, naked and kud be
attacked by fiery darts anytmie:P
what i mean is like, i'm not used to office ethics,
politics, how things are supposed to be done,
things unsaid but ppl DO know of, things i'm
supposed to know w/o any1 tellin me and what
the normal working norms are...

And in a world of working envi where i can equate
certain orgs as PARASITES...=P its like they just
tell u what u hafta LOSE, or PAY but they NEVER
tell u what u CAN CLAIM or what your BENEFITS are
(which u were unaware of n they hope u never find out)

only one word = SUCKS...

well.. as most ppl would tell me..
WELCOME TO THE WORKING LIFE!!!

Boring..:P
i've heard that said too much.

But so far i'm still alive n surviving.
We'll see how far this job takes me.

Currently surviving on companionship of
good frens n colleagues i've met on my job.=)
i like them. NICE.
THANK GOD FOR THEM.

'Every challenge brings a new oppurtunity
for character to be built... '

Ponders...

2006-08-06T20:42:00.000-07:00

"Your ministry shall be like a nuclear bomb..
it's gonna be EXPLOSIVE!"

=) hmmm ....interestinggg...
now i'm just waiting for a bomb to go off..
*ginrz*

After-uni life crisis syndrome...

2006-07-30T22:32:00.000-07:00

it is a crucial time of my life now
where i've left the uni phase and
am now trying to move on to the next phase
- supposedly the working world.

I'm sure i'm not alone when i say
i do think there's more to my life
than just getting a normal 9 to 5 job
and just live my life from there onwards.

The truth is i AM looking for a job.
But when i think deeper,
i don't really just want to get any job.
What's my purpose? My destiny?
the reason God gave me breath?
I want to give and serve Him so much
but i just really don't know how to
go about it...

When i was in uni, i need not think much
about what were my goals, my aim in life,
plan for my future, what i've to do next..
Now all the questions are thrown into my face...
And i betcha they're not easy to answer at all..
And i wonder how ppl do it
how do they know what they need to do?
Some ppl say, just go ahead
Start with a normal job 1st
than job hop or something...

You know,some interviewers ask me..
" WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO?"
wow, such a simple question but
do u know how freakin hard it is
for me to answer that?
some ppl might say i think too hard,
JUST DO IT...
so when i'm asked THAT question..
i'll think reli hard...
ENGINEERIN? NON-ENGINEERIN? Customer service?
Sales? MArketing?

When i think harder...
this is what i came up with..
I know what i wanna do but in reality,
i don't know how to go about it..
My passion is music, singing,dancing,
the worship ministry, creative arts,
helping people,listening to their problems,
counsel them, do missions....
SO what now? do what? start with what
kinda job?

I feel like there's so much more i can learn
and so much more i want to contribute to society
I do think about getting a good paying job
like most graduates do....
But often i'm disturbed by the thought that
I know just CAN'T settle for some normal secular job
altho ppl always say you can be a shining light
for Christ wherever He places you.

But i really do not know where to go from here.
i'm like standing at a crossroads with
10 different directions.
I 've prayed and cried and asked God
and i just know i need to do something different
but i don't know how or where or when or what.
I feel like it's such a waste if i don't do
something concentrated in directly ministering to
ppl and reaching out to the dying souls out there
dying every second even as i'm typing.

My request, my dear frens is that you will keep me in prayer.
And i know most of you are.Thank you for dat =)
pray that someday i will know what my purpose
and my destiny is and how to go about it.
I really wish i knew what to do now...sigh
But i'm not letting go of hope and i stil trust
He has my best interest at hand altho i did not
get every single interview or job offers as i
would like to.

I've already sent out many resumes to different companies.
Truth is, i'm not enthusiastic bout working in a secular
company at all. And the fact that i haven't
gotten a good offer until now makes me think
that God has something specific in store for me.
I prayed that He 'd close all other doors and
only keep the door which He wants me to walk thru open..
and I"m still waiting for that answer from Him.

Sometimes,I am disappointed but i try to ask myelf
the logic of all the things that happen around me.
Maybe God has something different ,something greater,
a greater destiny,an awesome purpose.
And I really believe that.

Thank you to Sai Lou, Mel and kes who commented on my
previous blog... I pray that God's destiny will be
achieved in your lives as much as i wanna see it in mine..=)

Will I?

2006-07-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

Will what i want be what You want for me?
Will i ever get to do what i love?
Everything that is inate
That is within me...
My heart and soul is crying out
TO be heard
in a different way
a Supernatural way
Will I ever be able to achieve
My dreams while i'm still alive
While i'm still breathing on earth
Can i ever accomplish my purposes?
All i'm designed to be?
Everything I'm created to live out?
To be the fullest of every potential i have

Will i ever find the courage to?
WIll i ever find the ways to?
Will i have the power & strength to?
WIll i, Lord?
Will i?

Indescriable

2006-07-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

"Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You Know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God"

I went to Benny Hinn's Crusade in Sydney Olympic Park,
24th June in the evening. If you don't know who he is,
you can google him =)am sure u can find some answers.
He's known for his healing crusades. Some of u might b
wonderin what in the world are healing crusades?
Healing crusade's where MIRACLES take place. Where ppl
from all over the world come to get a touch from God
beit cancer, glaucoma, spina bifida, HIV, dislocated disc,
any kind of diseases and sickness u can think of,
it's NO MORE.

When i was young, my mom used to get all these video
tapes on Benny Hinn or other famous preachers who held
healing crusades n other amazing Christian events.
Sumtimes she wud lend to frens and some being skeptical
wud say things like," How do u know its' true? they can
easily pay dozens of ke leh feh to act? pretend they're
crippled den say Hallelujah,get up & walk"

I can understand where they're comin from. I mean
not every1's gonna so easily fall 4 these kinda stuff rite?
BUT i was der,in the flesh, Auditorium filled with bout 20
to 30K ppl. Benny Hinn was der on stage,he prayed 4 the sick
and diseased.The whole stadium lifted their voices & prayed.
After a while,he asked those who'd received their healing
pls come forward to da stage to testify.i was sittin high up,
i can c everything dat's happenin down der on main stage.

YOu know what i saw? Der were a couple of ppl in
wheelchairs gathered at the back. & i saw with my own eyes,
ppl gettin up from their wheelchairs & started walkin.
Tears kept streamin down my cheeks. Of coz they din just
straightaway jump up and started running. Some slowly pushed
themselves, inch by inch, some wud get up a lil den fall back
into their chairs. But they kept trying til finally they were
STANDING.I kept crying n praising God for what He's doin.

A lady who kudn't climb stairs for 5 years now,moved up
the stairs up to the stage 2 testify. A lil girl of 11yrs,
who had a car accidents few mths ago,had pain all over her body
is now free from whatever ache. A lady with glaucoma for 2 yrs,
she kudn't see but now she had clear vision. An aged man who was
on his wheelchair was now walking up n down the stage. A young boy
who kudn't play sports like normal boys & kud oni walk bt never
run becoz of his severe asthma condition, ran a whole big round
the main place downstairs and back onto the stage.

I told myself, I wished all those ppl who had been cynical
& skeptical were with me right now witnessing all these miracles
right b4 their very eyes. i mean,in Manglish," YOu think these
millions of ppl over the yrs so free to come n act nonsense
just for recording meh?" All these were real ppl and lives
which were touched n changed forever.

I'm once again in awe.I mean of coz i knew God still healed
ppl but it was my 1st time seeing it happen with my own eyes.
Once again, i'm just speechless and i rever at His Sovereignness.
He IS REAL and with dat revelation in my heart, i think i'll
fall dead b4 i can ever deny His existence. What bout you?

A journey to remember....

2006-07-10T02:50:00.000-07:00

Duration : 2 weeks ( 23rd June to th July )
Venue : Albury and Sydney, Australia
Place of Stay : Albury and Castlehill,Sydney
Events : Benny Hinn crusade & Hillsongs conference
Places of visit : BLue Mountains
Fish Market,Sydney
Hillsongs Church,Hillsides
Rutherglen (Wine tasting)-Campbelss & Buller
Lake Mulwalla
Lake Humewier
Mount Beauty
Beechworth (famous for its bakery and sweetshops)
Animal Sanctuary, Albury
Faith City church, Wodonga Campus

It has been such an awesome 2 weeks=P the only thing
wrong with the entire trip is da FREEZIN COLD! i hate it
imagine HORRIFIC INVOLUNTARY SPASMS... YUpes dat's what
happened to me. LOls.Anyway i can't tell you what happened
every single day i was der. it'll be too long. so i'll
put up some pics and tell u stories. Ready for a journey
to remember? *grinz* LET's GO!!!

At Blue mountains =)

Did YOU See DATT!!!???We're not alone on planet earth anymore!*gasp*

Me n Darlin Sis at Sydney Olympic Park (hillsongs conference)
It was awesome bt we hardly had time 2 eat or rest XD

*Hey who're u and what're u doin in my territory!?!?*sez Wallaby
*idun care what u say,keep talkin cz u LOOK CUTE!!!*

At Fish Market in Syd. Had sum fresh oysters(YUMMY!)
lotsa seagulls and pelicans der!GREAT SIGHT!!!

Der u go!Proof dat we WERE in Sydney!Opera House
We were on cruise!Gorgeous view... Harbour bridge during sunset!!

At Watson's bay..
*Hey rach,dya tink if i stare hard enuff
i can c my prince charmin come ridin towards me?*
*well um,u can try.bt i can c sum seagulls now.WAnt 1?*

Chantal(cuz' gf),Sis,Me,Shannee(hot cuz!),NOreen(Mich Branch lookalike!)

Those are sum nice pics,look out 4 more on my frenster pg.
Hmm,Dis entry's gettin too long.I'll write another!HEH!
Cya in the next one!

So...

2006-05-05T00:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's so hard for me to blog...

So hard for me to say what i reli wanna say..

So many things hidden..

So many things better left unsaid...

Too many people know...

If i type it out... everyone will know..

So .. what's a blog for??

Maybe i shud revert back to my diary writing..

maybe..
maybe...

Daddy has done it again!!

2006-04-28T01:03:00.000-07:00

You know i'm really suprised sometimes
at how Daddy works..
He can take my breath away with the things
He can do..
i Am So thankful
So Grateful
So joyfuL

In the course of my final sem, fyp was a big
obstacle. The programming was unbearable.
I remembered when i was so stressed n depressed
about it. It was a huge burden, and i'm sure
also to all my fellow peers who were trying
to deal with the same problem.

I remembered so clearly one day after
sunday service in church when my PG met up.
I requested for us to pray for my FYP.
Tessie, a fren of mine prayed for me.
N after she prayed, later she came to me.
She told me that God said my fyp will be
successful.He will make me the head n not the
tail. When i look back in time, everything
will be settled and der would be a testimony
to share.

I took that as His promise.It truly
meant a lot to me at that time coz i was reli
desperate for help from above. I knew i kudn't
do it on my own.

Daddy has done it again!Shortly after
Tessie prayed for me, I saw God's hand moving.
He was at work. My supervisor helped me in the
end with the programming. honestly until today,
i still can't do NUTS for programming.and last
wednesday i did my presentation for my final year
project part 2. I was even more unprepared than
i was for the presentation i did for the 1st part
months ago.

With lack of sleep n finishing touching up
my slides JUST in the nick of time, I went to campus
just under their mercy.When i got der,i saw the girl
before my turn presenting. I suddenly realised i
forgot to print out my slides for the moderator n
supervisors reference.So i went over to a faculty
office near the room i was gonna present, and asked
for help.There was a Malay girl der n she was so kind
as to help me print out my slides.n the printer took
a period of 1 minutes plus plus interval between each
paper to print! mann.. i was panicky n basically
unprepared n in a mess.

N u know like all good students would be advised,
they shud go over their slides, rehearse to their frens
blablabla.. WELL i did none of those n just went with my
JUST completed slides.=Pbut i went in to present and
everything went well. AMAZINGLY, i kud answer my moderator's
questions! i tell u honestyly, it's by God's grace.
RELI RELI kudn't have done it on my own. In fact a day later
when i bumped into my moderator, he told me dat i presented
very well. I was like.. oh okay..thanks.. but suddenly
i was reminded of the promise dat i've received a few months
back. INdeed, He was proven Himselft faithful once again.

n i seriously do think dat we need to realise the
privileges n honour dat we have as a child of God.
If only we ask, WE will receive. N His promises are
yes n amen.. Well, what more can i say? He did it again!
Thank you Daddy... You truly are awesome!!!=))

Meant to live for so much more...

2006-04-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

So much've happened since i blogged

Easter Event-4th April
Easter Play - 16th April
BOTB - 23rd April

These were the events i was busy with for the past month.
As for Easter event I enjoyed the play altho i kudn't sit down
n reli watch the thing=P. Cheerz to da dancers.. I reli enjoyed
myself with u guys!

I get to sing a song for Easter play in ACTS!=D yay! it was such
a beautiful song. It's called 'Why' by Nichole Nordeman.
When i 1st heard this song,i cried altho i din when i sang it in
church =P. I consider it an honour to be able to express Christ'
love to people through this song. Such a privilege=)

BOTB was yesterday. -Disappointed- but i'm alright=)
aVe still rocked =) i hated the sound system n wanted to smack
the AV guy on his head. Basically i was silent throughout the
entire 1st song. Till Wayne n Auds told me to change the mic
then only i kud be heard in the 2nd song. Thanks to Justin
n those who tried to help to ask the Av guy to turn me up
bt to no avail. 1stly when we came to sound check in the
afternoon, they started 3 hours late. N i dunno what kinda
sound check was dat. the sound guy did nothing. as each band
went up, he took no heed to any details like OUR BAND NEEDED
3 mics. but i guess no one cared.
so when we went on stage, i had to ask for another mic.
apparently my mic wasn't working, n the freakin stupid guy din
know how to turn me up altho it was obvious i was the lead vocals.
I was so distracted coz i totally kudn't hear myself at all,
i tot i was goin off key.i just felt bad for the rest of my band.
the sound system totally failed us. by the 2nd song, i was disoriented
n jsut wanted the thing to end. I walked off stage with disappointment
written all over my face. Was disturbed for a while. but after a while,
who cares?:P it was just a freaking competition.its ok:)
der's more to life den botb yea?=) To Chuah, u're still the best lead
guitarist i've ever played with =)we dun always need titles to define us
right?;) hehe.
More important den anything else, is my gratitude to everyone
who came all the way from cyber n bought tickets to support us.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ur presence meant more to me den some dumb
competition =)
well we'll see what future has to bring me den..I reli stil
wan to have my own album so much. but as to whether i shud have
a band or go as a solo, i'm still thinking=). wonder if this dream will
ever come true. I think i'll just leave dat thought to Daddy n see
what He says. But honestly,even being able to pass the audition
or any other audition din reli bring me as much fulfillment as i have
when i just plainly serve God by playing the piano or singing for
a Christian play. so it's still all about Jesus at the end..
THank you Daddy. You have been so faithful. I kud not ask for more.=)

P Diddy - My Best Friend

2006-03-24T05:59:00.000-08:00

I've seen a lot of things in my life
A lot of ups and downs
Made a lot of mistakes
No matter what, you've always been by my side
You've always been my best friend
You're the love of my life (Oh)
You're everything to me (Oh)
You never left my side (You're my best friend)
I love you so much (Yes, you are)
You're my best friend

[Puffy]
Since the beginning of time
All you did was bless men
Too young to understand but now you my best friend
How could they doubt you, never think about you
Don't they know nothing's possible without you

Faith without fear that's how they raised me
Words of man kill but never phase me
Grateful for wisdom that you gave me
But still I'm like, dear God I wonder, could you save me?
Too much sinning, gotta be more than plush living
Gotta be more than grabbing nines to buck tin in
Gotta be more than just to lust women
Gotta be more than platinum Rolexes, 600's and crushed linen
Praise your name, I know some of them hate their due
Judgment day, don't they know they can't escape your crew
I'm just trying to live right and pray you take me through
And with this song I dedicate to you, my Lord

[1] - [Mario Winans]
Lord, you mean the world to me
Before I was born you chose me
You always hear me when I call
Even catch me when I'm falling
You're the closest one to me
I surrender all to thee
I want the whole wide world to see
That we've always been and we'll always be
Best friends

[Puffy]
Sometimes I reminisce and wonder how I made it this far
Because of you, I'm me, so you the real star
Your hindsight, the time's right to get my mind tight
Then give it to you and let it shine bright
My best friend, only know how to teach the truth
Plant the seeds of life and let them eat the fruit
Can't you see that He spread love for you
Shed blood for you, cry for and die for you
Willies with mac millies know how you get down
We know the drama you bring whenever you hit town
Just remember when you pray, God is love
Gracious, merciful, forgive even the hardest thugs
Life as we know it, it all begins with Him
Life as we know it, it all ends with Him
If I was you I would never try to pretend with Him
He might spaz and blow it, I'm best friends with him

[Repeat 1]

[Puffy]
Been two and a half years since my man Big passed
Been two and a half years since my world crashed
I needed help, God gave me the power
Gave me the strength to go face to face with my darkest hour
Looked me in the eyes and ask "What you doing unhappy?"
"Don't you know why I'm here?" and started shooting at me
Back to the wall, is my faith gonna play out
Never wavered once, gave me no way out
Your time to die, don't even stress the date
You're coming with me, your soul I'm next to take
I told him "I'm too much blessed with faith"
"And living for Christ" and then he said "Manifest the great"
All of a sudden, what I'm remembering
Ground started to shake, everything trembling
The power of the truth was shooting through my Timberlands
Here was my Lord Jesus Christ, my best friend again, come on

[Repeat 1 While:]

[Puffy]
You mean everything to me
You've been with me from day one
Even when I thought nobody was there
You were there
You're my best friend
I love you like no other
There is no feeling like this in the world
If you can relate to what I'm feeling
Put your hands in the air for me
Let me see you
No, matter of fact clap your hands for me
Clap your hands, come on
Thank you Jesus
You always hear me when I'm calling
Always catch me when I fall, yeah
I surrender all to thee
I want the whole world to see
That you've always been, you'll always be
My best friend
I love you Jesus
Thank you, forgive me for my trespasses
As I forgive those who trespass against me
Thank you

Loookiee here..look what i've found!double S mode =)

2006-03-22T01:37:00.000-08:00

The Meaning of ESTHER
by James Sorenson

A special word given to one upon birth
allows others to know you by name.
And in language, this personal designation
has a meaning that is rarely proclaimed.

For in the case of a certain Korean beauty,
her name is one given with grateful insight.
Where you'll find that the meaning of Esther,
is "Star" ..... one that truly shines bright.

Yet, knowing one's name, is not quite the person;
only a start, in revealing one's life; even goals.
For its a journey of mutual interaction; and of caring,
that will allow you to someday know this loving soul.

Yes, the meaning of Esther is more than a word,
with an Eastern heritage, and home in the West.
But in not truly knowing this woman, a poetic acronym
may be one that thoughtfully describes it best.

"E" is for the EXAMPLE to others, to more than just her peers;
a life dedicated, hard-working, and of overcoming one's fears.

"S" is for the STAR she is; and not just one of the night;
her beauty and intelligence, a shining beacon of light.

"T" is for the TRUTH in her words, to both strangers and friends;
her actions straightforward, never more that she would pretend.

"H" is for the HONOR she brings to her family name,
upholding tradition and values, even within the price of fame.

"E" is for the ENJOYMENT of new travels, and people she's met.
and one just as happy, in seeing smiles of those less fortunate.

"R" is for the REALIZATION that discovery is within the unknown;
a personal journey lasting a lifetime, before one is fully grown.

Surely, a name means more to a person than any one word,
beyond any one thought, or anything you've heard.

Yet, a name is only a doorway; opening to allow conversational fire,
allowing others to begin knowing the person beyond her desire.

But a search into the skies must be one sought also, on Earth;
where you may be lucky to know the name given to her at birth.

For in the case of one fortunate soul, a star beautifully glowing;
the meaning of Esther is one of life's best things worth knowing.

P.S This is what happens when u're bored outta ur mind n u start
googling ur own name....*blush*

SMALL....

2006-03-14T17:35:00.000-08:00

Funny how one day you can just wake up
and suddenly your eyes are opened up
to how screwed up ur life is..
hmm..
i feel..
so so small
..
hopefully it's just for today..

SMALL

small

small...

SELF CRUXIFICTION

2006-03-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

"A man who can control his temper
is mightier than one who takes a city"
Prov 16:32

So hard to deny ur feelings
So hard to pretend u dun care
So hard to tell urself u must forget
So hard to move on when u still love
So hard to accept change,
when u were so comfortable
So hard to swallow rejection
So hard to let go when u know it's wrong
So hard to let go and let God
So hard.. so hard

But remember this:

"What a friend i've found
He's closer than a brother
i have felt your touch
more intimate than lovers

Jesus, Jesus
Jesus, you're my friend forever

what a hope i've found
more faithful than a mother
it would break my heart
to ever lose each other"

Is He more than enough for you?

The God of All Comfort

2006-03-05T19:56:00.000-08:00

"Praise be to the God and
Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and
the God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our troubles,
so that we can comfort those in any trouble with
the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers,
about the hardships we suffered
in the province of Asia.
We were under great pressure,
far beyond our ability to endure,
so that we despaired even of life.
Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death.
But this happened that
we might not rely on ourselves but on God,
who raises the dead.

He has delivered us from such a deadly peril,
and he will deliver us.
On him we have set our hope
that he will continue to deliver us,....

2 Corinthians 1: 3-4, 8-10

Sometimes when tragedy strikes,
we do not know wat to say
or wat to do to console our friends,
or even ourselves.

But these verses blessed my heart
to know dat He is still in control
and His comfort and mercies overflows to us.
It is sufficient for every single one of us.

Do you know if you don't have a single care
or worry in this world,
if nothing bad ever happens to you,
you don't need grace,comfort n mercy?

Do you know that
you only feel
n experience true n pure version
of grace, comfort n mercy
when u're despaired beyond words
n u feel the sentence of DEATH
in ur hearts?

It's stated above
that He comforts us in all our troubles
so we can comfort those who r in trouble
with the same comfort we get from Him

Do u know dat u can never
understand how someone feels
when he or she's lost a loved one
unless it happened to u?
Never will understand how it feels
to be raped
unless it has happened to u?

I believe every experience is priceless,
It might hurt n the pain is beyond description,
but it's never wasted,
SOMEONE is waiting for u to share ur heart today.

For THOSE of you who've or
are still goin thru a tragedy
or experiencing pain today,
Be comforted,
receive it from Daddy
and move on..
He will turn it around
and you will bless someone in return...
n i DO believe dat with all my heart..=)

WhoLe as ME!

2006-02-27T18:29:00.000-08:00

It's been a year now since i became single...
Time really flies...
And it still amuses me that some ppl stil dunno
dat i'm single now =P(*blur cases!*)

I feel like i'm a changed person now
A better person maybe?
or rather i've discovered myself

It was good when i was in a rship
I felt loved
I felt cared for
It feels good to know der's always sum1
who's always der no matter what happens

When that feeling 1st left
I felt lost
Uncertainty tainted my mind
I was leaning on something
n it was almost as if sum1 took my pillar away
Suddenly i was left with nothing
Everything felt so empty
nostalgia
Everywhere u go,whatever you do or say
something always reminds u of the past
it's inescapable...
pain was indescriable

But i guess i had to go thru all dat
for one reason

I was Esther to the ppl outside
but i din know who i was
i'm not a WHOLe me
just a slice of Esther?

It took a while for me to realise
dat we dun reli need someone else to live
we oni need one person
that's Jesus

If you can sing all those songs dat say
'You're all I need, Jesus...'
den don't come and tell me
you can't give up this person or dat person
coz you know things are not right

i may have learnt it the hard way
but it was worth it
Every BIT of it

Daddy took my hand
Walk me down the narrow road
Told me everything was gonna be okay

It's wonderful to be in a rship
Only after you have FOUND you
and HE has found HIMSELF
or SHE has found HERSELF
know what i mean?

You must know who you are 1st
What you like
What you're living for
Who you love
What is your destiny and dream
You must know all dat 1st
You MUST

Altho loneliness still strike sometimes
of coz =P
but it comforts me to know
I know who i am now
what i wanna do n what i wana accomplish
for myself n Daddy

Fact is, whether you like it or not
when u're with sum1, u will DECIDE
based on the person
Whether you shud do this or dat
Go here or der
Wear dis or dat

So to all the single ppl out der!
Time to RISE UP n grab this chance
BE true to urself
and be who you wanna be
b4 you can be the RIGHT person
for your future partner
=)

I'm lovin' it!!!

Whisper from Daddy...

2006-02-04T23:05:00.000-08:00

You said...

You are my Potter
I am the clay
You're moulding me
so take me Daddy, I am willing

You told me
the moulding is not gonna be easy
It's gonna painful
It's okay,as long as You're here
I'll be alright

There's a high calling
and a great destiny
but with it comes a great price
I consider it a privilege
to be able to serve You
Help me never to complain
Give me courage so i can go on

I'm on a high board n about
to dive in
Prepare me so my heart'll be ready

The world map is on my hands
The nations are calling
Take me Daddy
JUst hold my hand n lead me
Let not my heart be afraid
Give me a spirit of zeal and fire
Let Your glory consume me

Preach Your gospel to the lost
Many young people will come to
know You through Your servant
Use me as Your instrument
As You please Father
For I am Yours

Drastic measures of change
is coming
Be my anchor
Be my rock and solid foundation
That i may never waver
and never die

Musical notes coming out of me
Those r Your gifts and talents
that You bestowed upon Your child
Not depending on skills alone
but the Anointing of the Holy Spirit
Use me for Your fame
I give my all
Inspire me to carry on

Be a woman of maximum impact
Therefore i will obey You
No matter the cause
Help me find a way
Strengthen me to follow Your path
The way You have prepared for me

Sacrifices must be made
Help me put You 1st
Above all else will i surrender
To live and die for You

Standing in heaven's courts
Fill my mouth with praise
Only for My Master

I am honoured
To serve You
For i adore You
With all i am
WIth everything that i have
will i give all
To love You endlessly
Love You with delirious passion
and everlasting
More intimate than anyone
Than anything
You are my desire
You are my all
It will kill me
If i don't hear Your voice again
If i don't see You face to face
If I don't feel Your presence anymore

I know YOu are drawing me closer
Calling out to me
These changes have to take place
for You to mould me
Humbly i accept,Daddy
I know all these things happen
SO i can learn
So i can grow
You are preparing me for Your destiny
Here I am, take all of me...
Amen...

A Sea Whirl of Changes

2006-02-04T22:56:00.000-08:00

Tide is rising high
Seasons of change over rides me
Waves are crying
Overwhelms me once again

Nothing lasts forever
Nothing in this life is certain
Only One Holds eternity
To Him alone i surrender

Help me hold on
When i'm distraught
Loss of focus
Don't let go of me

Your will be done
I give my all
i bow down in awe
in reverence n wonder
at Your presence
Your love overtakes me...

When i take in my breaths
I suffocate
but you are my air
Living thru me n in me

Lover of my soul...

A Glimpse of Heaven and a Touch of Paradise...

2006-02-02T19:28:00.000-08:00

delirious?d:

According to dictionary.com:
Marked by uncontrolled excitement or emotion; ecstatic

Well i'm sure many would've posted
bout their experiences last night...;)
It's time to share my side of the story.

Fyi,last night was the AYA Festival with Delirious?d:
n 1 thing was for sure,
it was awesome beyond words.

Why was it awesome?
To be frank, i knew nuts bout the band.
i only knew a few famous songs which they produced.
DUn even know how many members were in der!
*okay,pls dun stone me!*
but now i know... now i know!

They were truly inspiring.
for 1,Martin Smith's voice...*speechless*
i tot i was in heaven when i heard him sing.
it was well controlled,full of dynamics
awesome,awesome angelic voice.
den again,not worshippin him ..so:P
but i reli was ecstatic when i heard
him sing!!!

i checked their profile n background.
Martin used to write most of the songs.
It inspired me how such simple chords
n melodies can break thru to one's heart
and minister to it.
Most of his songs r simple but der's sumtin
diff bt it. *ANOINTED*
dat's the word.
we can all write songs. but some songs..
just GOT 'IT'! ya know?
and it's only by grace when God inspires
men, den oni songs like dat can b birthed!
n da songs they wrote, i feel,
is sooo.... wonderfully n skillfully written.
the lyrics,the words spoke life
n inspiration into my heart.
it reli did!

it humbled me how the band's been playing
for umpteen years already n they're still
the same ppl,married to the same wives,
still with the same vision dat is
TO GLORIFY GOD with their music
and truly usher ppl into the the
heavenly courts with music dat
they wrote.
THey're still so humble, pure
n true n willing to die
just to proclaim His glory
thru their songs!
They hadn't lost sight of their vision
or forgotten the main REASON
why they've embarked on this journey
in the 1st place.

i want to be like dat.
after 1 million years,
after all's been said n done,
thru tears n joy,
i still wanna be the same child,
running into my Daddy's arms...
always embracing His heartbeat
knowing dat THAT is da reason
why I live, why i'm here on earth
today.

While worshipping with Delirious
last night, i had a closure.
Wel,not reli a closure...more like
a fresh reminder.
I am complete in Him.
I do not need any thing,
or any ONE to fill me.
He has filled my void,
my gap, my hole, my lack.
If only in my lifetime in this world,
i end up an old maid..=P
i still wanna be able to say
HE is MORE den enuff..
Sometimes i feel like i'm so lost,
always wandering,always searching
for something...
but the truth is,
the answer's been der all along.
it's only Him dat i need.
You're all i need.
n u know what?
He truly is.
He TRULY,TRULY is...=)

Precious ppl i met in Pg...

2006-01-24T23:05:00.000-08:00

Ashok n i...

Murali n i...

the whole gang!

i'm happy....=)missing all of uuu!!!

The weatherman says goodbye...

2006-01-18T18:07:00.000-08:00

I'm overwhelmed by the fact that
I'm leaving penang d soon...
i've stayed here for almost 3 months..
n i like it here..
altho i still get lost most of the time..
it's not bad here...
i like the BEACH..
i like the food..
i like the ppl...
n i'm reli gonna miss it here.
Sometimes i think bout why i was posted here..
I dun think it's by chance..
Der must be some reason why Daddy posted me here..
when i find the answer i'll let u know=P
but for now it's still a question mark..
but no doubt, it's been an overwhelming experience..
what i treasure most is the ppl..
i have such wonderful colleagues n supervisors..
i've never met such GOOD ppl in my entire life..
like reli GOOD
n i'm gonna miss every single one of dem
and friends that i got to know just within these 3 months..
friends from friends,friends from church..
n i reli wanna say it's been exciting n wonderful..
hoepfully our journey does not end here..
nothing can end the beginning of friendship
n i'm glad i came to pg..
altho i was the most reluctant one to come at 1st
but i see now..
the things n lessons that i learnt while i was here
is priceless
taught me a lot..
n i got to know some ppl a lil bit better
n the penang roads a lil bit better=)
n i dun mind workin here in future
but the fact that my family n frens r in kl
hmm, so dun think it'll happen
n i love my condo!
i love my room, the view,
my living room..everything;)
gonna miss it!
n i'm thankful..
i am..

REALISATION...

2006-01-12T21:54:00.000-08:00

SOMETIMES

-Sometimes it helps to put urself in other's shoes,
it helps this world be a better place
with lesser misunderstandings.
-Sometimes ur actions and words may be misunderstood.
-Sometimes you can't please everyone.
-Sometimes, this way is wrong n so is the opposite.
-Sometimes, u get caught in the middle.
-Sometimes, people just need to grow up!
-Sometimes when you try to be nice, it backfires.
-Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
-Sometimes, the world isn't fair.
-Sometimes, good people have misfortunes.
-Sometimes, i'm just really pissed off.
-Sometimes, you just gotta be urself.
-Sometimes, you just hafta not give a damn about
what people think about you.
-Sometimes, i just need to be alone.
-Sometimes, if you dun like the way i am, then don't come near me.
But please, i beg of you, don't judge me.
-Sometimes, if you have nothing nice to say, just shut up.
-Sometimes, you gotta accept other's differences.
-Sometimes, you just gotta hold your tongue.
-Sometimes, I need to learn not to be afraid to be me.
-Sometimes, you have to count your blessings one by one.
-Sometimes, you need to hold on to those dearest to you.
Sometimes... sometimes...i just need peace...

TRUTH HURTS and REALITY BITES
Being nice and giving isn't always the answer to everything.
I care a lot for people, sometimes too much
I hurt myself sometimes, hung over the smallest things
I am sensitive, sometimes oversensitive.
Too much, or too less is always excess of the balance of
what is right
U can't help what people think of you.
They have a right to their opinions n views.
We are all different beings, different wants, different needs,
different desires, different thinking.
Crashes are always bound to happen.
We always fail to see the speck in our own eyes.
I need to learn.
I am me.
I'll always be me, whether you like it or not.

A new year... a new plop

2006-01-03T18:32:00.001-08:00

Christmas have come n gone..
New Year's have come n gone..
i feel weird..
like not reli empty but sorta
maybe i was too busy
always goin out
no time for reflection
working hours are killing me
job is killing me internally
feel frus, yet happy
feel disappointed, yet content
maybe some ppl are right,
i AM CONFUSED...

haven't had time to sit down
and reli think bout stuff
no one reli comes to my blog
anymore....haha
it's like officially dead
sorrry...
i reli wanna update my blog..
just dat i dun have a pc..
or time.. or space...
will get killed if i'm caught
chatting again...

Time in penang has been great
Awesome...
getting to know ppl..
i was out with a bunch of ppl
in gurney..
suddenly realised they're all
new frens dat i've just made...
n it was cool..
i was comfortable with dem
i felt happy
gonna miss all my pg frens
when i leave...
*sob sob*

Time with Daddy
Insufficient
Lack
Dry
i Need
i want
I loathe...
i long...
Sorry Daddy

Time at work
Sucks
Sleepy
Bored
Unfulfilling
Dissatisfying
Frustrated
FUn with Colleagues n boss
disgruntled
confused
Disoriented
Aimless
Directionless
LOST

Time with family
Lack
Love
I like..
Miss mom's cooking
Daddy's jokes n his cuteness
Miss sis' love n shopping 2geder
miss bro's presence
(pegi NS pulak budak nih)
miss my family
can't wait for us
2 be REUNITED
we've been apart for
far too long...

Time with frens
miSs all my girlfrens
precious ppl in my life
(guys too!!=P)
who makes my life meaningful
n UN-boring
colours my life with rainbow
sometimes i miss ..
i miss..
i miss till i ache..
i do
i do

its' a new year..
do i have anyting in mind?
any goals set?
visions?dreams?directions?
NOPE...
see?again i'm lost..
i wanna do so much
but i'm in chains
i'm held prisoner
by my own fears
my own thoughts
my own weaknesses
wanan fly but where are my wings?

i almost felt guilty
dat i stepped into the NEW year 2006
w.o having any goals in mind
sumtin to achieve
to strive for
to spur me on
to guide me
to lead me on

Daddy.. won't You take my hand...please???

QUIZZYYYY!!!

2005-12-12T02:31:00.000-08:00

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Wen
2. Esther
3. Ehter

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. krystal_ca (IRC days)
2. jewel_ga (ICQ days)
3. su_wen83 (current, sounds dumb but can’t change d =P heh)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Nose (actually dat’s about it=P hahah)
2. Perfectly proportional face? (I dunnola, simply say one)
3. Legs? (dunnola, nothing else I reli like bout myself physically.Frankly I prefer rach’s legs muaks)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Skin is too dry... wasting lotsa lotion :P
2. I don’t have abs =P working on it (not really lah)
3. Imperfect complexion (guess not everyone can have flawless skin huh?=P)

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Losing my loved ones and friends
2. Doing a job I have no passion for
3. IF someone HATES me n I dun noe y?

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. MUSIC is my heartbeat
2. Eating? or chatting with a friend or meeting up with ppl (if I don’t talk to anyone for a whole day, I’ll die)
3. SLEEP!(my most favorite activity …exception only given to jamming sessions, singing and dancing or performing or hanging out )

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. my RINGS =)
2. black jacket
3. new jeans from Taiwan!! I like!

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Mew
2. Plumb
3. Rachael Lampa

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Mew – snow brigade/ Am I wry?No
2. put your head on my shoulder – michael buble
3. plumb – blush
Actually got many more leh.. hmm R&B, hip hop… so many…=)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. No missing links… der must be a triangle between me, my partner and Papa
2. Love, passion, romance, kindness, care, trust, honesty, loyalty
3. Someone who is favored by my parents and family n closest frens… everyone I know must love him!

2 TRUTHS 1 LIE:
1. I can never tolerate a guy who lies to me.
2. I had a twin bf b4 .. and nope you reli can’t mix dem up!
3. Dis question is weird, I dun reli know how to answer it… =P
I like horror movies????!?!

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Height (I like it when I hug a guy and my head fits onto his chest…..=)*grin* )
2. Eyes… (NO FAIR!! Guys nowadays have bigger eyes and longer and curlier eyelashes!!!)
3. Smile (a gorgeous smile can turn me upside down… er so far it never happened yet! Still waiting for someone who can melt me…:P)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Singing…( it gives me some kinda fulfilment when I sing… I feel it’s a great way of expressing oneself.. with notes rather den words )
2. Dancing… ( again, body language and movements can say so much…its’ awesome! N what’s more can burn calories!!!who wouldn’t wanna dance!!!)
3. Hanging out with my fwens and laugh until cry… VERY FUN U KNOW!!

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. GO HOME! (still at office) and den go hang out n play pool or somethin:P
2. go dancing.. been so long since I last went.
3. go for a summer vacation on an island where the sun is shining and the girls are pretty…

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Singer (have my own album?can I ???plzplzplpzlpzlp?)
2. Air stewardess (rach, still up for it?!?!?!i psychoed Adeline to come with us oso!! YAY!)
3. PR or Sales Engineer …. (sigh.. if I have to)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. MIAMI, Florida, the beautiful beaches …maybe HAwaii
2. All the pulaus in Malaysia.. beautiful oso wat.. nonit to go so far
3. Paris/venice

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. bungee jumping, paragliding, jet skiing… extreme sports..
2. find my prince charming and I wanna have reli cute babies!!! Preferably mixed onessss!!!yummy…Twins lagi best!
3. Able to impact the world one way or another for Christ… even if I can touch one soul…dat’d be enuff..:)

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. Walk ‘kang kang’… last time when I was younger, my mom always scolds me coz she sez I walk like a boy… okla.. improving improving..:P hmm I need to learn to catwalk.
2. hmm I dunno whether dis counts.. but I like to speak my mind. Not so lady like huh?
I reli ‘bagi’ a chicken rice guy once for trying to ‘sembelih’ me n my mom… URK! Dun ask for details..Lord,… more patience?
3. urm.. can’t think of anything else la.. I’m not a boy what..hahaha

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I like accessories and clothes! I go gaga over dem.. sigh spend spend spend…tsk tsk
2.i can’t go out without lip gloss, compact powder, tissue,etc..
3.i like to be taken care of….. its … nice..heh

THREE MALE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. Chad Michael Murray
2. Ryan Philippe
3. Kuno Becker…=)

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. michelle
2. Melisa
3. Celine
(others oso la.. come on join in the fun..:D

For you, Khoon...

2005-12-12T00:36:00.000-08:00

I was flying high above the clouds,
Spirit soaring beyond the skies,
nothing was holding me down,
i never wore a frown

Slowly the universe darkened,
Grey puffs overshadowed me,
My heart failed to understand,
how long more can i stand?

Storms begin to arise,
I asked myself,is this a dream?
Blue was reigning,now black conquered,
Slowly, i begin to fall

Crashing into the down below
My eyes are blinded by my tears
I can see no further
no matter how hard i try
i feel the sting of you not being near

I fell so quickly
I felt my heart drop
IT broke into a million pieces,
how can i heal?

Heavens called you home,
How can i object?
Yet they did not ask my permission
They stole you away
Even to see you one last time,
They did not grant my wish

IF you could hear me now,
Would you reply?
I was flying so high
now i'm falling fast
How can i ever fly again
Knowing things can never be
the same again

I smiled when you held me
YOu embraced me while i cried
You picked me up when i fell
you comforted me at all times

How can i refrain?
How can i bear?
So much love i had
yet could not keep you here
Yet my heart goes out to you
I know you hear
I know you know i love you
for eternity
i'll hold you inside...

P.S. I'm sorry i can't be with you right now.
But i know you will be strong. Love you.
Pls stay strong.

Pearl of the Orient...

2005-11-27T21:22:00.000-08:00

Penang has beautiful skies...u can always see the exquisite shape of the
clouds ...designed n created in God's style and the radiance of the sun shining out from behind the clouds... it's a pretty sight!

Been here for a month and a half since the last week of October.Everything in my life have been totally awesome. Except for the fact dat i'm not with my closest frens and my family. =)

I can't deny how God's favour has proven to be so precious at such a time when i'm away from my dearest fwens and my precious family, I'm still able to live my life and be happy right where i am now. Daddy has been RELI FAITHFUL...

Most of you know about the fuss n hassle i went thru b4 coming here to pg. Never in my life would i ever tot i'd end up in Penang to do my industrial training.
n of coz it was never in my top 3 choices when asked for preference of location on my Indus. Trainin website.but somehow God has chosen to bring me ere. N i reli can't say it's by accident. Along the way, the journey coming here and how everything falls into place from a messy scenario almost astounds me.

Person in charge of us trainees from MMU (Me, Adeline and Kelvin) resigned. Branch in Damansara, PJ of Infinite Tests SOlutions Company had no idea who or how many or whatsoever details about us. We arrived at our workplace at 8.30am, (some of us earlier) to discover dat no one was der....waited a while.. finally someone came at 9 plus am.In short, we had a reli messy and confusing week. I just sat in the HEad of Marketing 's office dat monday morning and he goes,' OH?U guys are engineering students? our engineering branch is in pg. so i guess it's best dat u go der'. I was shocked. A small part of me was excited to go, abig part of me just dreaded the entire thing. This was so dumb, i was thinkin to myself. I had my home here, my family , my frens, my car.. now i've to go to pg n start over with nothing. HEck! where am i gonna stay? and so finally teh decision was made anyway.. I started reli praying dat God just led me wherever He wants me to be.. SO i just had to suddenly drop everything and desert my family n frens to come to pg.

It took us oni 3 days to find accomodation for ourselves(provided by company coz it's their fault=P) amazing isn't it? till now i can't believe we struck such a good deal! it was amazing! we found a place in Npark resort apartments, fully furnished(washing machine, stove, gas, sofa, dining set, fridge, rooms, beds, cupboard and pool, and gym ( not so nice la)) and so on. n we got the agent to rent for us for oni 3 months! GOSh, seriously, who would wanna rent to ppl who oni would stay for 3 months? i reli think it's by His grace.

And everything started falling into place,starting with dat. And at first der was so much confusion, they din even wanna pay us 500 each. they said 500 for all 3? or somehting like dat. but i prayed n waited. finally they issued a cheque of 500 to EACH one of us. and my workplace is heaven. I love it here but i hate my job.
My supervisor, Murali is such an amazing person. I'll talk more bout him some other time. But he's the most patient, big-hearted, calm, thoughtful, nice, generous, kind, most caring man i've ever met! SERIOUS! he comes from Chennai. I work in the R&D department which is reli small! der's Murali, Pandian, Ashok, Mahathir(yes, his full name is Mahathir Mohamad) and Sheela(the secretary). Murali, Pandian and Ashok is from Chennai, India. n they all look like BOllywood stars! but it's been reli awesome working with them so far. no internal conflicts, no arguments, just warmth n frenship. and they treat us trainees like their frens. My supervisor said he'd kill me if i call him sir. So i call all of dem by name.

N den der's the ' treating' part. I think since it's already been almost a month since i was here, it's countless times we've been 'chiar'ed by our colleagues and supervisor and ppl above us. EVen the CEO, Mr Raj treated us one day altho he's reli busy. der's the GM, Peter and Purchasing Manager, CP Ooi... who's been reli nice and accomodating to us. our Gm, Peter even brought us to play pool and belanja-ed us i dunno how many meals.. but we managed to snatch the bill once;) n i can say dat truly truly, i can oni dream of a working environment like this one. but too bad, i'ts over my dead body b4 i be a technician or true electronics engineer. so sad to say, i can't come back here to work after i grad.

altho i'm sleepy n bored most of the time, it's the ppl here dat keeps me alive. and I thank God every moment for it! even my roommate Adeline, same major but never reli knew her till we got into the same company together. She's awesome n reli nice and generous n sweet=)n i thank God for her. Or else i think i'll be so damn lonely. at least a close galfren anywhere is reli essential for me.so i dun need guys to survive heh. BUt i reli reli miss u guys! U noe who u r!

i miss a lot of things, i miss my astro, my pc,my music! my piano! sometimes i reli feel the urge to go dancing or go play somehting on the piano. but much is restrained here. so i guess i'll just hafta be patient and wait till i get back to KL. BUt i truly thank God, He's been working behind the scenes up until now just to see dat i'm living in comfort n bliss.. n truly i can say dat i'm living nothing less than bliss. I love my condo, oni Chee yong and Kae ee have seen it so far. u guys can ask dem. but i'ts reli lovely from the 17th floor, we dun even need air cond. and i wish i can stay der all my life! it's reli nice!but hehe time to go soon. n ppl like Josh, Chu leik, Su chen, Zach and the rest have made it reli fun to be in pg;) .. i mean what's the point of having fun if u dun have wonderful frens to share it with right?

so do come n visit me sometime soon..:P heh but i'm coming back soon d anyway. i tink my training will be finished by 18th Jan. but it's cool getting to noe Pg a lil bit more. been a true privilege.

Congrates Chia! sorry next time oni can talk bout my taiwan trip liao.... and i know many of us visited my blogspot ...sorry it was never updated till now! din have the chance at all... wished i had my own pc here =(....but yeah, sorry if i missed out anything. been so long i can hardly remember what happened in the past month... hopeuflly this update will be slightly sufficient for now....hehe i gtg now.. take care ppl...pls keep in touch!Luv...

My First Mission Trip

2005-10-21T01:49:00.000-07:00

God revealed Himself tremendously..
Proven to be loyal, Faithful, Almighty, All Powerful..

1)He protected us up der..journey was crazy..
Raining like crap.. kudn't even see the road..
Misty and the other vehicle highlights were
blinding us.
2)On the day we went to Kg Lemoi (the unreached
village), IT DID NOT RAIN!!! erm.. den i was so smart
NOT to use my sun block when i brought it along..
WE ALL GOT SUN BURNED!! hangus betul!!! haha
TRUCK RIDE WAS AWESOME!!TOTALLY CAMEL TROPHY MAN!
it was reli nice to see everyone watching out for
one another..=) LOVE U GUYS!!!
(Jacintha, Heidi, Mysh, Auds, Rach, Daniel, DAvid..)
Truck was practically climbing the rocks with its 'LEGS'.
Der r times when the truck is oni on 1 wheel! WOohoo..
Totally free ADRENALINE RUSH... better den roller coaster.
HEH. and the trees and leaves were slapping our faces
and it gave my arms some allergic reaction (swollen n red)
which went down after a day =)..
3)Mechanic told Uncle Isaac the day after, the sterring rod
almost broke into half. AGain.. God's PROTECTION.

those are the 3 major things i can think of. Besides that,
the most amazing things took place that i can 't even describe
in words. Like, the way i feel when a small child smiles back
at me.. In all their simplicity and lifestyle, they can love
God and trust in Him.. n be so obedient!
And the laughter dat i got from this trip!! HILARIOUS>>
together with Daniel Khoo, i got awarded the most hilarious
Drama Queen....hmm dunno whether dat's a good thing:P but
at least der was lotsa joy n fun in this team..:) reli proud
of all of us....esp David Keong..*wink*
I believe this mission trip reli brought us all closer togetehr.
And i can truly say we all had the favour of God.. Nothing bad
happened at all.... n i'm thankful..:) for this experience..
it's PRICELESS.. and it definitely won't be the last!
*CHEERS*

Take a Walk in the Rain...

2005-10-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes... i really don't know what to write in
this blog anymore.I dun wan ppl to label my blog emo.
But currently all the things and events that have
taken place in my life has left me numb.
so the question of the day is:
does numb = lonely?
A series of unfortunate events has trailed on
in my life within this couple of months. I had claimed,
'Wake me up when September ends!'... Now, it's over..
But I'm still here.. I have not awaken.
I 'm still in deep slumber. Unfortunate events claiming
a LARGE sum of money. One after another... you would
think my family is jinxed.But i'm trying not to focus
on those things. Keep claiming that God will provide.
But sometimes it's just so hard to trust. SO much
easier to just stare at the storm and cry.
hahahaha... well i guess dat's not a solution.
Have you ever felt like everyone's moving on,
they're headed somewhere, they know what they're doing...
but u're just stagnant and stuck? i feel like i'm stuck
in a pit... i wonder why. DUhhh i'm sooo stupid to be
feeling like this..
Maybe i shud pray a bit more, spend time with my
family a bit more, hang out with my frens a bit more,
watch astro a bit more, learn up more songs to sing..
i'll be just fine... just fine...
I guess all of us feel this way a little at some point
of our lives...

Be INSPIRED...

2005-09-27T02:23:00.000-07:00

Separate lives...

2005-09-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can’t go on just holding on to time
Now that we’re living separate lives

Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we’re living
Separate lives

Ooh, it’s so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall
Yes, you build that wall
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we’ll go on living separate lives
Yes for now, we’ll go on living separate lives
Separate lives

~*Phil Collins-Separate Lives*~

Setbacks...

2005-09-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

it's ok...
it's only a setback..
everyone has their own sets of setbacks..
was it becoz i disobeyed?
maybe coz i sinned
it was dark
stormy
i kudn't see
i can manage this one
but when another wave comes...
can i withstand it..
R u still der to carry me thru?
i'm sorry..
can u still forgive?
i apologize...
do you accept?
how did i let myself fall into this again?
cheated?conned?defeated?
i am strong..
or am i?

Untitled

2005-09-14T07:43:00.000-07:00

Love the heart that hurts you;
and never hurt the heart that loves you;
Because for the world you may be someone;
but for someone you may be the world...

Dedicated to you...

2005-08-31T06:10:00.000-07:00

Would i have wished it never happened?
If i knew it would end this way?
but den again is this the end?
all those tears i cried, was it worth it?
all the hurt and pain i went thru, did i have to?

and yet i refuse to look at things that way
because I know He had a purpose
He was der when i met you
He was der when we befriended each other
He was der when I started to fall
He was der when like turned into love
He was der when we started our frenship in a new way

I thank God that I met you
I thank God that somehow
During the course of our frenship
You GOT SAVED
I praise God for making you you
I praise Him for making our paths cross
I praise Him for making me learn thru our rship

I thank you for all the times you stood by me
I thank you for all the tears you cried for me
I thank you for all porridge you cooked for me
I thank you for the time you cried when I was sick
because you couldn't do anything about it
i thank you for the countless time you put up
with my temper and childish ways
I thank you for the times you took me to the clinic
I thank you for the time you accompanied me
all the way to Alor Setar by bus
I thank you for the times you bought me blue roses
I thank you for the blue cross,blue ear rings and
lots of other blue things
I thank you for bringing me to watch the sun rise
(altho i fell asleep again=P)
I thank you for bringing me to lunch at the revolving
restaurant(it was my first time)
I thank you for being patient when I was PMS-ing
I thank you for always being so generous in every way
I thank you for the times you supported and encouraged me
when i faced trials and tough times
I thank you for the laughter and the way you never fail
to make me smile again when i was down
I thank you for NOT being jealous when i went out with
other guy friends and for NOt being possesive
I thank you for your bear-like figure that i can jump on you
and you can piggy back me around
I thank you for your strong arms that comforted me when I cried
I thank you for the fun times when you wrestled with me
and make me step on you to wake you up
I thank you for speaking sense into me when I was being unreasonable
I thank you for always borrowing cars just to drive me
to places that i needed to go
I thank you for countless times you fixed my pc for me
i thank you for fighting and arguing with me(it was fun=P)
There's so many other things i can thank you for
but the most important is where
i thank you for loving Him the way that you do
It warms my heart to know that you truly love Him
and you are living your life to serve Him

Will our paths cross again in future?
Amazing how we learnt to leave our frenship
in His loving hands
and i"m proud of us both
Knowing that He holds both our future
and He knows best
If our paths never cross again
I just want you to know that
I will always cherish the good times
we had together...
always...
maY God bless you in everything that you do
and i know that you WILL be succesful

REFUGE..

2005-08-30T22:17:00.000-07:00

I wanna run
Run to a place
Where I can escape
To find solace
Find comfort

This world is full of miseries
Where can i find
Life's most beautiful mysteries
Discard the sorrow series
I just want peace

Unattainable
I scream at myself
Frustrated
I run and hide
Lost
I search for a reason
Confused
I seek to find an answer

Life's worst nightmares
Loomed before my eyes
Burdens and cares
clouds my view

Life's certainties
Goes up in a puff of smoke
Where is my foundation?
Where is my anchor?

After all this time
Meaningless
Everything is
Aimless
Temporary pleasures
Faithless
Hopes and dreams
Ceases

Will U help me
If my arms are too weak
Will U lift them for me
My eyes are sore
Will Urefresh my sight
legs are worn out
Will U carry me instead
Heart is torn
will u mend it for me

I'm longing
Longing
Hello?

WHeeee~~~~

2005-08-12T00:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we need to go thru 'cleansing', refreshing,
revitalising" spiritually, mentally, emotionally,
physically..well urm... the process might leave us looking
liek crap.. but er.... it's worth it...*SMILEZ*
so dun be afraid to go thru some scrubbing today!
It might hurt a bit but it'll do u good!

This one's On u Scientists...

2005-08-05T00:41:00.000-07:00

Stole dis from the daily bread but tot it was hilarious!
I will paraphrase em in my own words...

The most geng chao scientists in the world
finally said to God,"Hey we dun need u anymore...
we can make clones. we can make men just like You did."
So God said' Alright den, let's have a challenge.
We'll both make men just like i made Adam in the old days..."
The scientists agreed n bent down to pick up some dirt to
start their work. GOd said," NOnonononono.... make ur own dirt"

See?der'll always be a bigger force den us.
We can't deny that power dat comes from above..:)
Had a chat with a fren yesterday. He said he envy
those of us who can have faith n trust in something
bigger den ourselves. I sighed n said by all means
you can have Him too! I'm glad I found Him.. HOw bout u?

stressedddd!!!!

2005-08-03T03:02:00.000-07:00

*work work work*
sigh

The Truth Shall Set You Free...

2005-06-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like i'm a whole lot older,
Feel like i know a lot more,
Experienced a lot more,
Realized a lot more;

Singing words dat's never been so real,
i reli mean what i sing now,
when i say,'HE is ALL I need'

I used to say dat a lot,
Jesus,You are all I need,
But do i mean it?
No, i guess i din

I was struggling,
I dare say I questioned Him,
I demanded to know why He allowed me to get hurt,
I pitied myself, oh poor me,
how can so many bad things happen to me

Now i know,
He is a jealous God,
He wants me for Himself =),
My attention was too divided,
I loved him more,
I loved Him less

I thought i was a faithful daughter,
but i was double minded in all my ways,
always disappointing my Daddy,
i gave some,
i withheld some,
i din give my all,
but He demanded my all

Den i remembered Matt 10:37
"He who loves father or mother more than Me
is NOT worthy of Me...."
Ashamed, i found myself guilty

I was blind but now I see,
Something so simple,
How could I miss,

He is the lover of my soul,
Most beautiful Saviour,
Precious Redeemer,
My Love...

Disillusioned Part 2

2005-06-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

THIS-->

I don't understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn

[Verse 1]
It's gonna burn for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
It's been a long time coming
But we done been fell apart
Really wanna work this out
But I don't think you're gonna change
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby
Plus theres so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn

[Chorus]
When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might ruin you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know that it's through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

[Bridge]
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (ooooh)
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)

So many days, so many hours
I'm still burnin' till you return

USHER - BURN

OR THIS-->

Packing my bags this morning
Was the hardest thing to do.
But packing my bags was so easy
Compared to standing outside your door
Right now to say goodbye to you.

Think of me.
I know youve never seen me cry.
Think of me.
But its so hard to say goodbye.
Think of me.
What can I say to show you
Ill never give up on you,
I will be waiting for you?

I will be there when you call.
I will see you through it all;
And even in your darkest hour,
I pray that the Lord we found
Will set you on solid ground.

I know that it feels like leavin
Is a part of letting go.
But Im prayin with hope and believin
That Ill see you once again down this road...
I hope that it wont be long!

Think of me.
I know God brought you as a friend.
Think of me.
I know He'll bring you back again!
Think of me.
What can I say to show you
Ill never give up on you,
I will be waiting for you?

I will be there when you call.
I will see you through it all;
And even in your darkest hour,
I pray that the Lord we found
Will set you on solid ground.

Mark Schultz feat Rachael Lampa - Think of me

So, disillusioned is a STATE of being CONFUSED right? like sometimes u like black but den u like white pulak... but right now I like the 1st song..*wink*
lallalalal~~~~

Disillusioned...

2005-06-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

Do i really want this?
How bad do i need it?
Is it just a matter of the period of time?
How long it has been?
Could this be what I really feel?
No factors, no circumstance, no influence
Just me n my heart?
I can't hear my heart..
Too much noise... too many voices in my head
Distractions... Loss of focus...
Can i survive without it?
Have I really crucified myself?
Denied my flesh?
Do i want what He wants?
Am I pleasing Him?
Do i suffer lack coz of my own desires?
Will i die without it?
Will i be less happy if i dun have it?
Will i be aimless and heading nowhere because of it?
Is it even lack at all?
How do u define loss?
pain and suffering?
missing it?
wishing i have it?
hoping one day i will eventually possess it?
will i???
have i???
do i???
need i???

Beauty in Breakdown

2005-05-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

Let Go-Frou Frou

Drink up baby down
Hmm, are you in or are you out
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you

Excuse me too busy
Writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So let go
So let go
Jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go
Let it go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now
You can't await your own arrival
You've twenty seconds to comply
-end-

Did you know der was BEAUTY in BREAKDOWN?
When one is crushed to the core
Broken n left with nothing...
do u know dat der is a profound beauty in it
dat we ourselves are blind to, oblivious to
we refuse to look at the bright side
to dwell in self pity and the darknesss
da'ts what we always do..
but i"ve found Beauty in Breakdown
if only u can find the strength in Him
to go on..
He'll hold ur hand n carry u thru..
all these i say is true
do not give up when u feel like dying
der is HOPE
i am stronger den i was before
more matured den i was before
triumphant n victorious den before
for there is BEAUTY in breakdown...

MORBID

2005-04-26T23:07:00.000-07:00

I look within me
Der's a broken heart
Once was a strong and healthy heart
Now torn into a million pieces
what is left of it is it's strewns and remains...
I look at my pictures
Who's dat girl with cheerful smiles
and joyous traits
One dat never fails to laugh... to bring joy
to bring humour to a dull conversation
One who's laughter used to bring laughter to others
One who's joy if always full and overflowing
Never have i tot
such a day would come
Depression has never been more real
Sadness has taken its toll
Hurt and pain never caused so much damage
Just like over one's death, I would mourn
WIth all my heart i would cry out
but no one's der
is someone der to listen?
someone der to care?
even if they did
no one could bring me out of this situation
where is the girl dat i once knew?
the clown of the class
the noisy and outgoing one amongst the timid
someone i once admired
someone i was proud to be
the one beaming, the one grinning
but all my smiles have turned upside down
pain and sorrow has become my companion
would i ever be the girl i once knew?
would i ever find joy again?
would i?
would i????

Phew~~~ What a Week...

2005-04-10T06:29:00.000-07:00

Within this week itself.. I've felt all these emotions:
Stress
Upset
Frustrated
Happy
Excited
Moody
Cheery
Calm
Serene
Disappointed
lalala.... exam week... NOT OVER YET...

StRanGeRs?

2005-03-26T00:54:00.001-08:00

I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know

-KeAnE-

This is how i reli feel now. What an AMAZING band.
They're singing my life in songs....*DAZED*

Y dun we go?Somewhere only WE know...

2005-03-26T00:45:00.000-08:00

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and i need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love
Is this the place that i've been dreaming of

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and i need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
talk about it somewhere only we know
this could be the end of everything
so why don't we go
somewhere only we know

-KeAnE-

P.S : Miss U

DISASTROUS DAY!!!

2005-03-20T02:28:00.000-08:00

hahaha when i recall dis plz dun laugh at me ok?
well alright..u can laug coz i'm laughing too..
well it all started on friday night.
THE HEELS INCIDENT
FRI NIGHT: went to klcc ...on the way up the stairs i broke a strap of my mom's heels i was wearing... i dun understand how it can get stuck anyway.. yupes it got stuck and i broke a strap.. Limped my way to a vincci store exactly where the original heels came from and my aunt got me another Vincci...this time no heels...flats:)
THE CAR INCIDENT
SAT MORNIN: woke up..sent my aunt's family off... decided to go for a movie with my mom and my sis.took the car keys...decided to drive. Put the car keys in, twisted it to start the engine.... it kudn't start! erm take up the bonnet check here, check der...call here, call der.. finally we got mechanics to come to the house. they jumped start the car and decided to drive it back to the workshop for further inspection.
THE ICE CREAM INCIDENT
SAT NOON: went to the workshop.. sat in the waiting room with mom n sis... saw that they had ice cream sold der... cravingssss... yeah decided to get and ice cream. so my sis got a Cornetto while i got a Trophy.. till i decided to take a bite from my sister's Cornetto. YEAH U GUESSED IT AGAIN!!!!*PLOPS* before i kud even put it into my mouth, it broke into half!!!...noo sorry make dat 3/4!!!
i';m serious... how the heck it broke, i dunno.der it goes," PLOP*PLOP*PLOP* making it's way to it horrendous death , eventually it's like a CURSE...DISASTER..one after another.. My mom started giggling and my sister looked at me in disbelief!!
she goes ,"my ice cream!!! I was eating nicely and the moment u took it , it broke?"
i ..wasss speechless... tried to blame her after that for the ice cream's death cause she tore most of the wrappings of the ice cream, causing ice cream to be naked therefore vulnerable and fragile enuff to fall..=P makes sense? s after that we shared my TROPHY.. okla.. not too bad lor.. at least everyone had some ice cream altho i threw RM 2.80 on the floor.
THE BRACELET INCIDENT
SAT NIGHT: so den we happily took the car after it was fixed, went to summit.. did some shopping. POPULAR BOOKS SALE! my mom n sis went mad... yupes den went on to watch HIDE N SEEK. in the middle of the movie... WHAT THE!?!?!?
yupes!!!! AGAIN!!! my green crystal bracelet just suddenly 'pecah' and went PLLEHHHTTTTTTT all over the cinema floor.. I was too embarrassed to say anyting. and started groping my seat to check if anything dropped der.. and the indian gal sitting next to me grabbed her bag and tucked it safely on the other side..=)
anyways.. it wasn't till the movie ended dat i confessed i broke something AGAIN.
so then der we are crawling on the floor searching for the crystals.. wat can i say.. it was the small crytals on a very thin string..ya noe?*wink* so den the workers at the cinema was kind enough to help us search n found a couple for us too.
SPEECHLESS*.... walked outta the cinema... reached the car at the basement car park.my mom asked,"OH gosh, who started the car today????"my sis pointed at me.. DAT"S RIGHT, ME AGAIN!!!! MY mom looked at me and said, " I think I better drive".
AND that is THE END of a very eventful day...YAY!!! WAsn't dat fun??? let's do dat again!!!

NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT!!!!

2005-03-16T08:55:00.000-08:00

I just realized something very crucial..
i din realize some things that i still do today
it's bad.. it hurts ppl... its terrible...its appalling..
now i've tasted my own medicine..
praise God..
He has opened my eyes..
all those times of speaking leisurely
not putting a guard on my mouth
all these things have taken its toll on me
now i feel it
n i dun like it
it hurts
not very bad, but it does
and this is what i've learnt:
NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT OF SAYING, COMMENTING
OR TALKING ABOUT ANYTING THAT THEY THEMSELVES
AREN'T GOING THROUGH...
yes, da'ts right..
Amen..
Good.. Padan muka..
Now i'm feeling it..
YEs, right into my face..
Great.. i feel... JUST GREAT...

Obedience

2005-02-15T09:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just see things so clear
Without a doubt, you noe it's the right thing to do
IT will HURt, wouldn't it?
but obedience is calling me
will i obey? will i deny myself n my will n what i want?
I must....
"if you love me, you will keep my commands.."
this verse has never been so real to me
Obedience is better than sacrifice
I'm learning
I keep falling
but He keeps picking me up
it might hurt a little, and a lot at times
But i'm not afraid
He's always der...
Obedience....
Obedience..
painful.. bt worth it

LeaRNiNg To TRusT..

2005-01-17T03:16:00.000-08:00

"NOO!!!!DOn't LEt go Of me!!"
"but i have to...i have to let you go ...now"
"PLZPLZ dun... i'm not ready yet.."
"Dun worry, you'll b alright.. i'll still be here"
"I beg you, plz...i'm afraid..i'm losing focus..DON't!"
"no, my Child.. i'm letting you go now... you'll
understand soon enough why I did it.. it's for you"
"WHY!!????NONO, Lord.. dun leave me alone! WHy have
You forsaken me??????noOOOOOo!!"
My scream pierced into the darkness..
Daddy's gone. He let go of my hand.
Cold. Shivers. Emptiness. Loneliness
crept into my soul. Felt like crying.
Tears could not come. Numb. Dumb.
Why? i was flying sooo high, but He had to let me go.
n i FEll.... I FELL SO HARD...too fast....
everything's bleak. It's time. Why? It's time
to let go. It's tough. But it'll b alright?
how do u noe? becoz He is GOd. Learn to trust.
i noe He loves me. but it's hard to completely trust
n rest in Him. I noe He has my best interest at hand
but i.... i can't... WEAK. Human. Fail. Too much to take.
I came into tis emotional mess willingly. Why so dumb?
Dun do it next time. No, ...No more. TRUST..
oh God, i can't do it! TI's too TOUGH! it's impossible!
no , it isn't. He loves you. Trust... trust.. trust.
I noe what i had to do. Tough? Life's full of tough choices.
Why do we even need God if life's easy? if life was a bed
of roses , we don't need Him. da'ts what He's der for.
I need You. It's ok. You can let go. I noe what You're doing.
I noe You're still der. Tis is temporary. It's ok now.
I learn to Trust. I will trust. i dun like it but i will.
I look down the road of my life... n i wanna lookback
n know dat I've obeyed You n i've learnt to let go n to trust.
let go... Yes Lord... i'll try my best.. i'll do it.
But Hold me Lord... Hold me..
i'll b alright... i'll be ok..
it'll be another day, new n different but He's still der..
it'll not be familiar, tough, sux.... but He still cares..
i noe.. i noe... trust trust... i wil i will

AMAZED AGAIN....

2005-01-05T05:36:00.000-08:00

this year's Cyber Christmas has reli been a blast.
EVerything was sucky, unprepared, lotsa frustrations
discouragements, disappointments, fiery darts
thrown and attacks from the devil,the worst
that i've seen than the past 2 years....
Eveyrone was tensed, stressed,uptight,freaking out,
depressed.... i tot dat this yea'rs Cyber Christmas
would be a flop... but instead...He has amazed me again.
He has proven to be a faithful God... always, always
and always. I was sick again with fever, flu and cough...
i realised dat everytime i've to sing for Cyber Christmas
or worship lead i'd always be down with fever or cough..
but He dat is in me is greater than he dat is in the world.
and so like the past cyber christmases, He has healed me again
just right on time... 2 years ago, i was main cast and acting
and i had to sing... but i was coughing so badly... right before
i went up on stage, i almost coughed my lungs out.. but miraculously
and thanks to all around me who reli prayed so hard... i managed
to go thru the whole play without coughing even once on stage
and i could even SING! it's AMAZING...
no one would believe me if i said dat this isn't true..
so this year, i had so much faith...altho i was down just a few days
b4 cyber christmas... i knew my daddy in heaven would rescue me
in time.. n He did it again...
Praise be to His name... He's awesome..
this one's for You, Daddy... n I love you...
as i think again of all the wonders he's done for me and those
around me... i tear... becoz i noe He's truly good... Amen..

Amazing Wonder

What would it be like
If i never knew You?
What would I become
If You never touched me?
What would life be
If Your love's not here?
What would it mean
if i lived without You?

With all that i am
With all that i have
I wanna declare
I wanna tell the world
how can i keep it in?
how can i hide it?
it's clear
it's all over me
the love, the grace
the mercy You've poured

Ever faithful, ever loving
you were always der
It hurts me to think
I can still hurt You Lord
tho i say i love you
but i still make mistakes
So help me Lord
As i journey on with You
as I cling on to You
help me to not fail You

No one can ever compare
No one could ever mean more to me
No one could ever make me give You up
I love you, I love you
Coz You first loved me

No, no , no
i shall stop wondering
because I can't imagine life without You
No, never...
i would die if i dun have You
The reason I'm alive
The reason I love
The reason i'm here
Again, Lord
You have amazed me...

TOTALLY MALAYSIAN ENTRY --PCK STYLE

2004-12-05T07:28:00.000-08:00

Esther: hello..how're u today?
ehter: okla, y u so busybody?
Esther: y u so like dat? kan cheong u oni ma..ish
ehter: sigh... wanted to go c@p...missed it again for the 3rd time..
coz got wedding rehearsal lor..
Esther: oh u gettin married izit? say earlier la..
ehter: nola doink not me...:Psomeone else la...
muahahha..i sot dy...hols has been crazy... n i reli reli wanted to go for
christmas at the park today.. missed it again..SIGH!!!
Let's see how my hols has been.....
From Cyber to Kelana Jaya...
den to singapore--*BOON TONG KEE CHICKEN RICE, Jap food,
chinese BUFFET, TEo Chew porridge
from spore to ipoh--*MING court DIM SUM..
stop at Bidor for herbal duck noodles...YUMMY!...
stay at HOTEL SYUEN..
to alor setar--*pizza, home cooked THAI food, SUET KAP(FROG's SAliva=P)
to penang--*restaurant GU WU--tried 5 bucks per dish quite kewl idea
back to alor setar
back to KL......hmm... it's been an EATIN trip...
plzplzplz dun say i'm fat when i get back k?
sigh... miss all me fwens... so funny.. when i'm free
i complain too free...sien..nothing to do...
when busy...complain busy pulak...
heheheh...tmr goin SHOPPING pulak!!!>>>YAHOO!

Mixture Of EmoTions...

2004-12-03T09:17:00.000-08:00

Hurt
Discouraged
Un-loved
Played out
Betrayed
Frustrated
in Denial
so many other things dat i feel
I'm hurt..
i'm bleeding inside
Lord,U der?
Help me...
Can i be more of a less emotional person?
guess not.. dat's who i am.. sensitive
can i feel less hurt?
guess not...I treasure too much
oh God, what's wrong with me?
my last blog was on how friends matter...
they do, dun they?
but i can't take it
it hurts
it does
what am i talkin bout?
whateva
i dun care
FRUSTRATION's takin over
Lord, U der? i'm still here
Why is everything so difficult?
Easy?what's the meaning of dat?
doesnt' make sense to me?
whatever happened to my patience?
where have i been all these time?
where have i gone?
who's betrayin my trust?
who's hurting me?
u noe... n i noe
why do dat?
its my fault isn't it?
i care too much
my mom always tell me not to care
my sis always tells me i'm too nice to ppl
am i?
i love n give
but in doing so
i hurt even more
so what now?
let go?
be someone else?
change my attitude?
STOP caring?
dun give a damn?
why be so nice to ppl
do they even appreciate u?
do they even think of u?
why can't she understand?
do i have to beg her?
'm on my knees
plz?
i'm dying..
dun do this to me
u noe i love him
i do
it hurts
it does
why can't i be happy all the time?
why are things easier for others?
am i being selfish?
i wan to be happy
i'm such an imbecile
stupid
too emotional
no patience
over reacting
temperamental
Lord, U der?
Help me... I'm no good
reflecting NONE of YOU
nono... i'm no good
it hurts..so bad
why? y must dis always happen to me?
i hate this
make it stop... plz?
make it stop!!
STOP!!!

FRIENDS MATTER....

2004-11-19T20:46:00.000-08:00

For the past few days since Sunday I've been in Mlk...
feels GOOd n yet i still wouldn't trade cyber for anyting.
the food was good n everything yet somehow for me
i still felt like my life would be so much more different
if i'd stayed in mlk n not come to cyber... tho i have so many things
in life dat i wished i'd better control of...but i just wudn't
change a thing. I feel like in cyber i had more oppurtunities
to do stuff ... to meet the big world... expose myself to more
things... n to meet more ppl/.... the ppl ive met in cyber
definitely play a BIG role in my life now...
PPL...YOU NOE WHO U R!!n THANKS FOR EVEYRTHING ...
I LOVE YOU gUYS!! ... but oso somehow some things
have reli sunk into my heart...concernin frens...
all the frens dat i have in my lifetime seem to have so much
ups n downs with me.. i'm glad dat now i have reli close
n true frens dat i can reli lean on.... but i always ask God
why do i have such problems... not to say dat other ppl dun have
problems la... but den for me...i always get close to ppl easily
n the closeness almost goes as fast as it comes...
WEIRD isn't it? its like der's always something dat'll happen
dat'll make that closenesss...AMAZING closeness go away..
RECALLING*** almost 10 names dat i recall BEING SO CLOSE TO
in the past...where now with some things r better n some
just a hi n bye...we hardly even tok anymore..
these are some of the things *PRECIOUS THINGS* dat i'll always
hold on to n cherish even tho they're not close to me now...
-i wipe his tears away
-gave me a thank you card stating how much i mean to him
-amazing stuff they wrote bout me...saying how special i am to them..blabla
-just a smile n they just brighten up my day
-day n night waiting on me...wherever i wanna go.. just ready to be der for me
-even the stuff dat i want...once i wanted an old movie cd reli badly... this fren
went all over the world looking for it n he found it *BLUSH*
-just goin all the way to town to get me my fav tarts
-saying stuff like ' i miss you' to him even when i dun see him one day but i reli mean it..
-being so close as girlfrens...but now we're worlds apart...when life leads u to
different paths n u just lose that frenship... lost the closeness...
-hanging out with each other everyday....reli caring for one another.. n suddenly
*SNAP* we're not talking anymore..
-standing up for me in matters dat even they dun understand
-just comforting me n wipin away my tears....
-just having those heart to heart talks together...being transparent to one another..
n yet despite being soo close.. once again... i've lost it..
SIGH...so many more things i can state up der.. amazing things dat happened when i
was close to someone.. n every one of dem stil mean so much to me even right now.
It used to hurt a lot when i've lost the closeness but i must learnt o survive..
ppl come nppl go.. sometimes even when u dun doanyting wrong... it just happens..
I sitll think bout the good old days when dat person or dis person was reli close
to me... but despite all dat i still can't understand sometimes... how we can
get tilll *DAT CLOSe*!!! n yet still have all sorts of conflicts n misunderstandings
dat r just soooooo KILLING ME on the inside... its like ithink to myself..
IZIT RELI WORTH IT? just to misunderstand a close fren? believe what others say bout
ur close frens?choosing to take sides...refusing to talk to each other..
giving each other the cold treatment... i mean WHAT the CRAP is dat?
LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO MISUNDERSTAND N BE MISUNDERSTOOD
so guys.. live ur life tothe fullest... most of all..
MAKE FRENSHIPS dat will reli enhance ur life.. make dat frenship with that
someone THE BEST it can ever get.. den oni u'll enjoy n taste the goodness
of that everlasting frenship dat is soo irreplacable...so PRICELESS...
SO SPECIAL.. a GOD-GIVEN FRENSHIP!!
oh man.. I LOVE U GUYSSSS!!!

DeDiCaTeD To My FwEn EsTheR...

2004-11-08T22:55:00.002-08:00

When everything seems gloomy,
When life's road seemed too narrow,
When U feel like u're walking blindly,
When Ur heart is overladen with sorrow..
Turn to Him

When All seems hopeless,
When nothing matters anymore,
WHen all u wanna do is feel less,
when nothing is what u planned for,
Look to Him

Why do things happen
When it's not called for
"Life is unfair" we call out
n the fact remains
God is in control
Learn to give Him ur pain
Learn to lean on HIm
Cling to him when der's no hope
Rest in Him when u can't stand no more
Life is unfair we know
but be rest assured
ur futureis in His hands
He'll take care of u
Altho ur daddy on earth has left u
U still have ur daddy in heaven
who is faithful n will come thru for u

FInally OVER!

2004-11-08T22:51:00.001-08:00

THEATRE PERFORMANCE was finally over!!!
I feel so relieved... the heels were killing my feet.
but i was reli so happy to have gotten to noe all the
fwens dat i knew from theatre class... we reli became
very fast fwens...close ones too..:) *GRINZ*
i LOVE U PPL!!!>>.but most of all i felt a loss
coz at the end fo the production i still din feel
close to my mentor n advisor... somehow i tot i would
have gotten to noe soemone professional in thie business
but i was wrong.. sigh.. anyways... plz do not start callin
me bimbo after this..:P which i'm not.. but glad to noe
SOME ppl THINK it was SOOOOO me..:P*BWEKS*..
yupes... da'ts it... hope i get an A for this!! it
was reli reli hard work!

STRESS

2004-10-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

My Theatre class reli stressed me out lately...
been working hard on choregraphing a musical
together with Jules...n our lecturer seems
to expect perfection n expects our musical
to b like professional broadway kinda thing
n we oni had 2 weeks!n da way she commented
was reli harsh...at that time i felt reli
disappointed... after dat i realised
my dancers were reli affected as well..
one girl even cried...felt bad dat she
felt so sad coz somuch effort has been put in
but such harsh words were spoken...
n den it reminded me how we're always
taught to use kind words n dun speak
with a sarcastic or angry tone...
"a soft answer turns away wrath"
n i feel dat it's so important for ppl to
take notice n more care over how they talk
to others.... guys esp, i dunno sometimes
the way they comment on the girls...
plz la..use a bit of ur brain..its der for a
reason... i mean honestly i've seen girls
who OREDI have RELI low self esteem just
to be pushed to the edge by some dumbass
who hasn't looked in da mirror b4 commenting
" hey, this pants makes u look fat"
or some stupid crap like dat.... plz la
have a bit of a heart..the poor girl oredi
wans to commit suicide coz she thinks she's oevrweight..
SIGH... n sad to say it still happens.. always does..
i dun udnerstand y ppl even frens would do dat to frens
sometimes... Its like i always believe dat..
if u have NOTHINg NICE TO SAY... plz just SHUT UP..
u noe? if nothing's edifying..nothing's worth saying..
den why say it?coming back to my story.. i just feel dat
the world would be a better place if oni every critism would
be in a CONSTRUCTIVE manner instead of a DESTRUCTIVE one..
it would make a lot of difference to someone..
if oni u told him/her " Hey u look great today"
rather den " Erm, isist the time of the month aagain???Gosh..
ur face looks like a pizza gone berserk!!!"
hahaha i'll leave my next post to be cacat things ppl say..

IF I NeveR KneW You..

2004-10-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

If I never knew you, if I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of how precious life can be
And if I never held you, I would never have a clue
How at last I find in you, the missing part of me.

In this world so full of fear, full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear, in your eyes, so dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you, I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever, if I never knew you.

If I never knew you, I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel a love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you, I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever, if I never knew you.

I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we make the whole world right
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they leave are worthless whispers in the night
But still my heart is saying we were right.

If I never knew you
There is no moment I regret
If I never knew this love
Since the moment that we met
I'd have no inkling of how precious life can be
If our time's auspicious as that
Is here at last.

LAGGING!!!!

2004-10-17T19:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry everybody i lagging:P
at da moment i've sooo many things to do:
- choregraph musical
- CC dance
- Play
- CF worship
- playing for carolling
- tests, assgs
- preparing for fren's wedding ( piano, singin..blabla)
- Pray HARD!!
so a bit packed right now tho i tot i'd be free dis sem
since i oni got 2 subs. But it's better servin God den
doing anyting else.
Just wanna share somethin i learnt from CF last week
when Ps. Victor 'Wong'@ GOnzales spoke. I'ts so crucial
now to reach out to our nonbeliever fwens. I feel like i'm
wasting so much time. Not making this mission urgent enuff.
n ps said REMOVE ALL PREJUDICES! it's so true, EVERYONE
of us we do prejudice on ppl whether we like it or not.
we always have something to comment or say n we din realise
we've oredi judged the person. But TRUTH is, who r we to
say such things? WHO r we to judge? ONI GOD IS DA JUDGE!
coz even if one person is not like u, doesn't mean God
doesn't love him/her. N so i feel so ministered to by the msg.
sometimes i too unknowingly judge ppl. n dat's so bad.
coz i reli dun like it when ppl do dat to others n so i
shud reli watch myself. I see so many Christian fwens
discriminating, practically shunnin those who smoke,
who club, who do other weird things our CHristian society
oppose. But things is, IF WE DUN REACH OUT TO DEM who will?
If we just can stand at one HIGH N MIGHTY CORNER n
look down on dem n comment, WHat different r we from the
Pharisees n Sadducees and the RELIGIOUS ppl? If oni we'd
love everyone like we love ourselves. Even Jesus touched
the leper. He was dirty, unclean, diseased. but Jesus proved
the way of the society wrong by touchin him.
IT WAS A STATEMENT! we shudn't shun ppl just coz they smoke
or drink, we shud just da same show them love like we wud
any CHRISTIAN brotha or sista.
"Love your neighbour as yourself"

DANCE!!!!!!

2004-10-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

Adrenaline pumping
Heart thriving
I'm in LURVEE!!!
dancing is such a beautiful expression
of body language..
me, rach n ona were so psyched when we
went to our 1st dance class at sri hartamas
yesterday..
but in future we shud take up latin salsa
or sumtin..
but it's sooooo HYPE!
IT"S SOO.... i dunno no words to describe it
can i dance for a living!!?!??:)*GRIN*

WeIRD!!!!!

2004-10-03T09:55:00.000-07:00

Wai Man
Chris
Brian
3 persons who disappeared from my life almost a decade ago..
have recently stepped back into my life...
how i got in touch back with these 3 guys..
hahah u guys better check this out...:
1)Wai Man
-He's my 1st crush from pg.i knew him since 1994.lost touch since 1997.
Guess how i found him back? Zach, my fren is from pg. i got to noe him
from Rach. N he seems to noe Wai Man's best friend,Jacky. n one day
they realised he noes me n dat i'm Rach's roommate! YAY! so he called me up.
2)Chris Daniel
-He's one of the cutest guys who ever stepped into my life. Met him at a
concert held by Selayang church led my Ps Kenneth n Ps Sandra
(my current pastors now)see see?*wink*....met in 1996 lost touch by 1997,1998.
Suddenly out of the blue during the break last sem, called up my house in kb.
coz both my number n my sis's number had changed. n we met up just last week.
3)Brian
- he's my ex church member from KB. knew him since i was 10. lost touch when he
left for studies in KL, 1998. Chee Yong lookin for someone to do web designin
for his project.Usually i dun go minding his business, but today just casually
i sat down on his sofa n asked him if he wanted to watch a movie. looked at pc.
he was chatting thru YM with a guy nicked briancyc. I stoned. " ask him if he's
brian chong" i said to chee yong. he asked. answer: yes. "brian chong yu chong?"
Answer : yes.n den OMG again,....
Can u imagine ho small the world is? iF u look properly everyone's connectd.
everyone noes everyone... isn't dat SCAWEEE? muHAHAHAH no escapin from the past.
der'll ALWIZ be someone U meet Just yesterday or today or tmr Who Noes someone
from ur past... or u will stumble on em' sometime in ur life outta nowhere.
hey maybe one day i shud produce a movie on PURE COINCIDENCES?
or HOW IRONIC LIFE IS?hahah kiddin..but it'd be cool right...
*BOINK*

TIME TO BE HAPPY!

2004-09-29T04:09:00.000-07:00

When I think
Of the Time gone BY
why be SAD
when U can CHOose To be HAppYEE?
SO be happy
SpreaD the LUrVe
I LURVE EVERYONE MUAKS!

.......It's A DiseaSE!

2004-09-23T21:06:00.000-07:00

U noe.. i reli think loneliness is a disease
Coz for this past week
everyone's been so busy
n i'm always left alone like some dungu
hahaha... n it makes me ponder on lotsa stuff
n i realise why i'm feelin funny inside
a feeling i can't reli describe
weird...sad but not reli
upset but not reli
angry but not reli
coz der's nothing to reli feel sad, lonely, angry or upset about
maybe i'm just paranoid
but later this mornin
i discovered sumtin
i kinda noe what i'm feelin now
its' a feeling of disatisfaction
of how i've run my life
things i've done
words i've spoken
thoughts i've dwelled upon
things that i see
stuff dat i hear
i feel like i'm somehow not living up
especially to how God wans me to
but I dunno how to fix dat
maybe i shud join more activities
do more work?
but i dun think da'ts the solution
coz i reli anan live life to the fullest
and at this point of my life
i reli thank God for sooo many things He's blessed me with
But i reli feel like i shud've released an album bynow
not to say i'm reli so great to release one
but i have the desire to reli make it big for Him
be the 1st Malaysian Jaci or Rachael u noe
COntemporary Christian music
But i feel weak
No motivation
I wanna achieve so many things
but i dunno how to
somebody help me plz?
Dear Lord.. I feel... Lost
help me...
I wanna dance... i feel like joining a dance academy
i feel like i wanna act... like footstool players(great inspiration)
I feel like i wanna compose..
of coz i do all those stuff but oni to a certain extend
i reli wanna do something dat reli works...
a big impact
touch lives
life changing
i want me to be...
someone who's used by God
to do His will
to help His ppl
I wan to
I wan to
I wan to
So many things
SO little time
Lord? U der?

A NEW SONG ARISETH IN MY HEART....heh?ARISETH??!?!?

2004-09-16T01:29:00.000-07:00

i wrote a song today
sigh dunnow hat's wrong with me?
i wrote many songs... left incomplete one..all hangig..
but i completed this one:)

FOR ALWAYS

Abba Father
You hold me when I'm weak
My Lord Jesus
You embrace me when I cry
My world falls apart
You are der to pick me up

When all that i have is gone,
When all that i know is gone

I am loved when i'm with U
Your presence's here, it comforts me
My soul cries out,"I LOVE YOU"
For always...
For always....

yes I love YOu Lord,, for always...

A NEW SONG ARISETH IN MY HEART....heh?ARISETH??!?!?

2004-09-15T06:13:00.000-07:00

GOIN BACK LIAO!

2004-09-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

ladida
eat
sleep
online *streamyx*
bath
pray
watch astro
play online pool
amazing race is good
fear factor "wallaueh miss USA fear factor summore"
dance around naked in my room
sing my lungs out *broken-amy lee*
hols HAH? GONE DY!?!
what the?
hmm nvm
watch tv.....

CAMP CAMP CAMP!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-08-31T02:19:00.000-07:00

YAY!!! it was fun fun fun!!!!
dunno why la nowadays i'm sooo lazy to blog..
but just to update... hahah FINALS are finally over..
i felt like the camp-->
Brought me closer to some frens
Taught me new stuff
Love and Unity
YAY!...:P wanna say thanks to all the camp committee
u guys were sooo GREAT!
Mich- the eva CREATIVE and always fun FUN FUN person...
DES- cool newspaper game hhahahah
Charis- who did all the hard n dirty work behind the scenes
Ona-for working sooo hard to manage things
Mel- GREAT TAGS! i loved my group's one..-KYKLOS
BEa- for forcing us to pay money:PBWEKS
NIGel- Wallaueh.... i dun care u must become a preacher in future! i support u!!:)
Peak Yin n Lydia- KEWL BOOKLET !!! I like it.. who drew the picture?
Niger- for being a good doctor hahah
boss-HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! n thanks for arranging transpor!*wink*
Kae eeeeeee- hehheheheh muakss... great job
WEe liem - great job too n thanks for not using the ' it's not funny' joke:) MUAHAHHAHA
audrey- for being a great group leader..
n thanks to evry single person who participated.
oh not to forget... the CRAZY LAUGHTER I had at my makan table b4 goin back.
me, chee kah, karen, bea, were laughing like crazy at dunno what ..but it was fun *WINK*
well i had loadsa fun.. looking forward now to go back n see my family!
tanks all!!!GOD BLESS

1 DOWN.... 4 more to GO!!!!

2004-08-19T03:22:00.000-07:00

KA YAU KA YAU... Ganbatte!!! ohman... yupes 1 paper down..
funnily i kinda know what is coming out for this paper
but i just can't remember what the heck i read n everything
dat i wrote down!!! ironic right? hahahah der was sumtin dat
i asked chee yong b4 goin into the exam hall... den he say
he dunno. den i went into the room... yupes... INDEFINITELY
the exact question was der... n i dunno how to answer..
den when paper was done... came out.. iwas like ' OH CRAP'
stupdi question .shud be able to answer... den chee yong was like
'yalar component video is like blablabl n composite video is liek blablabla"
n my jaw dropped to the floor n my instinct sez box him.. but hahaha
its ok paper's past... I leave it to u Lord... LUV U MUAKS!
anyways... 4 more to go... gtg guys..
all the best for all u who are still sitting for finals...
PS: for those who have to resit PEM 2036 dun worry k? maybe it's a
2nd chance for u to d0 better.. evrything'll be just fine... GOD BLESS!

FINALS!!!!

2004-08-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

blablabla.. wahts' up with my life? FINALS!!
what's good to eat? FINALS!!
R u getting enfuf rest? FINALS!!
WHATCHA DOIN? FINALS!!
hmm.. sed toomuch dy
hhahaha.... sienness is setting in...
til finals is over.. im not living yet
*OUTZ*

To My LoVeD ONe....

2004-08-02T06:30:00.000-07:00

My heart aches each time i think of you,
When wil u release me from this pain,
I feel this way not cause of anytin u did to me,
But the fact of u hurting urself
it's too much for me,
WHy? when u noe it will go nowhere?
When u noe it's wrong?
when u noe u've everythin to lose,
nothing to gain, y still go on?
y not make changes?
y not help urself?
plz i beg you..
dun do dis to urself
y ? i feel so burdened
i can foresee everything dat'll happen
the life u're living now
it's gonna hurt so many more
others who love u who give their lives,
just to see u happy
i pray for u every single day
but God oni help those who help themselves
i love u, but when wil u love urself?
do u? do u think dis will end with a happy ending?
i pray O Lord dat U'll cover her
take care of her
never let her go
plz be with her
every single step
plz Lord
dun give up on her
my happiness depends on whether
my loved ones are happy
i want the best for them
i leave her in Ur arms
Where she is most secure
I can't do anytin to help
with my feeble arms n weak knees
i can do nothing
I'ts u Lord... oni U i trust.....

HurriCane...

2004-07-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

Life's like a hurricane,
I am so lost in it,
Feels like i'm going insane,
Bites into me, i'm incomplete

What's the use of fighting?,
I dun even noe what for anymore,
It' s time to feel my heart beating,
Never felt like this before,

Time to STEP OUT from the blur,
See the world from another angle,
Make life worth living, the answer
I've been looking for to savour,
my life in a different manner,
All i ever wanted was a Saviour,
In Him i will trust forever and ever.

"weeks r becoming more n more vague, i hardly have time for myself..:) dreams dat rock have been reli fun. met with malacan frens:) now i noe who they r. busy...RELI BUSY. dead tired. Nites.dear God, give me strength. I need YOu."

It's in our hands...

2004-07-19T01:22:00.000-07:00

Life is what you want it to be.
U choose it
U live it
U pay for the consequences
U learn from it
U share it..
it's ur CHOICE

CONFUSED...

2004-07-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

i remember who,
i know who,
whom i loved,
at that place again,
confused...
i dunno where,
i dunno how,
i run...run...
my legs are too weak,
i fall, i crawl, i faint...
i wake up,
what happened?
things r different,
i call out,
darkness scared me,
fear gripped me,
adrenaline rush,
i grope,
i feel,
NOTHING....
all at once,
came voices,
came noises,
came CONFUSION,
"HELP!!!!"
Somebody pleasee,
help me,
i'm bleeding..
"pick me up!..'
i cry,
tears soak my blouse,
i can't see,
everything's blurry,
my heartbeat's getting softer
dizzy,
i feel sick,
i feel faint,
HELP ME.....
no one der,
HELP ME...
i c a light...
it overwhelmed me...
i fluttered,
i feel..... weak
no strength left...
HOLD me...
i... i'm too vulnerable..
h...ee....ll..pppp...
it ends..
but how?
who noes?
i dun noe,
i dun remember,
lemme recall,
i think i noe,
i remember who,
i know who,
whom i loved,
at that place again,
CONFUSED...

Live my dreams

2004-07-11T02:01:00.001-07:00

WHy am I here on earth?
My passion is to sing , to dance
I wanna be a dancer..
Salsa, Meringue, Street Dance anytin
I love MUsic, My heartbeat
Without Songs I die
I love to act
so Many expressions
So many different slangs/accents
So many faces
We can reflect
These are a few of my favorite things
i'm not Julie Andrews
but i"M finding my way
what's my purpose here on earth?
why live if i dun do what i love?
when do i find my direction
my chance
my oppurtunity?
when will it be?
how long do i have to wait?
when will i emerge to be?
who i erli wanna be?
is life worth livin
JUst goin thru the motions
doing what others wan u to do?
where i do begin?
to LIve MY DREAMS
i wanna live my dreams
i noe my identity
but how do i share it with the world?
I wan to
i'll wait
waiting
waiting
waiting......

STOLEN~

2004-07-07T07:57:00.000-07:00

isn't amazing how ppl can do such a thing? a girl, an educated person in a uni?
n she din plan on stealin either? in 1 minute, came in , saw n stole.isnt amazin how ppl can be so dumb n careless oso? hahah learnt my lesson well.anyways.. all i wanna say here is PLZ DUN TAKE THINGS FORGRANTED n make sure ur wallet n hp is with u all the time!
anyway WHAT IS IMPORTANT here is not the issue dat my wallet n hp is stolen. I just wanna state my thanks esp to rach, wee liem, gim, chee yong, benny, su yin, nicky n boss n ee chia n other frens who've been supportive n so kind to me. Su yin, u reli reli touched my heart whether or not u read my blog hahaha thank u. THis incident made me realise n i'm so grateful for so many frens who stood by me when i needed dem. den i suddenly felt dat i'm so blessed to have all these wonderful ppl around me to help me. dunno what i'd do without dem.
Everyday i thank God for eevry single one of u. God bless u n i pray dat the Lord will multiply His blessings upon those who helped me n bless u even more abundantly. I 'm leaving everything into God's hands. I'm counting on Him so i can give a testimony! bubye now ppl i gtg study for tmr's test

~GOD ALLOWS EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!~

UPDATING!!!!!:P

2004-07-02T21:12:00.000-07:00

today is saturday ..i'd taken my time to wake up from a very lovely beauty sleep!
well now let's see what's been happenin in my life lately? no thunderstorms.. so it's quite peaceful:P SUNDAY: went to church, in reach den went to lunch with Mich, Rach, Eve, David, Ona, Jason. hehe HAD GREAT FUN tokin with dem making fun of the msian idols n talking CACAT sentences...PIONEERED BY ONA :P she's the president of the UPSIDE-DOWN TALKING club... i had practice with Bryan, wee liem, Aud, Albert:) was COOL..reli enjoyed myself but was tired by the time i got back..LONG DAY!

MONDAY: study lor, engineer n society paper. TAMUS sed i had a whtie face? wow i tot i looked "HANGUS" most of da time but nvm..:P thanks for saying i'm fair,.. hahah i prefer to take it in a positive manner.anyway i was oake coz i was down with flu. slept a lot bet sun to wed. tahnk God i kud go thru with 2 papers, 1 on mon n 1 on tues. made some stupid mistakes on monday paper n wow like ay-chel sed for digi comm paper.. IT WAS JUST FABULOUS U NOE???!:P so ntutin much lor.

TUESDAY: had paper study stduy study.. go test..go CF watched TRIBULATION. kinda noe already what was portayed in da movie. but iguess when we ARE in dat situation it'd be harder den it looks.. TO STAND UP N DIE FOR UR FAITH. we'll see? won't we? we're alerady in the last days nywya... it won't b long.

WEDNESDAY : go class...STONED... came back... STONED...missed my last calss of the day was gettin my beauty sleep with ay-chel..:P HAHAH GOOD MAN! just sleep oni neva even set alarm... hahah anyway we woke up at 8pm! den ay-chel n everyone else went cg. I watched DIRTY DANCING... MAN! i dn care when i shift to USJ in future i WANNA TAKE DANCE LESSONS!! COME ON GALS! WHO"S WITH ME!!?!!?!?!?? LET"S GO! :)

THURSDAY: go class ..go actstream. just to realise der's no P&W for dat week. IT WAS NEXT WEEK.. ok anyway. PS sandra sed she's gonna address some important issues bout r/ships n stuff...sometimes i think to myself why does r/ship suck so bad? in every area of our lives i notice everyone just HAVE TO HAVE some sucky issues... for me, its parents blabla... its so hard when 2 ppl wanna get 2geder or 1 wanna get 2geder n the otehr dun... der's so many obstacles.. IT just makes u wanna die.. n i reli often think if God would jus tell us who He has planned for us ..der won't be so many probs.. den again.GOD always likes to giv us a choice. i've been thinking for these past few weeks.
i dunno n oredi the stds in church is so high. i dun think it's wrong. but in a way i think it's reli pressurising. IT's GOOD to set GOd's Stds but to me sometimes i feel it influences my decisions too much. man honestly i feel like just being single right now cos of so many things that i've heard n so many thing's dat's happened.. the way ppl look at u if u're in a r/ship. like u're sinning or sumtin. ok maybe i'm paranoid but dat's the way i feel. coz the saying goes or so someone sed: shudn't get 2geder unless u sure u're gonna get married. or like why da heck u wanna get attached so early? can u hold up sex til u're married den? ok i noe all these are kinda harsh but some way or another my ears have heard these words. n i dun mind sharing with all of u... my frens. so many areas to settle.. IT JUST SUCKS. i look at ppl around me.. single oso got problem, double oso got problem. WHY? man.. i dunno... where did we go wrong? i dunno... maybe ppl look at me now they think... oooh how wonderful, she ain't got no problems. a peaceful r/ship.. but no one noes what's in my heart... day n night i'm battling the tot of whether i'm doni the right thing or not? to bein the center of God's will.. sometimes i do feel GOd doesn't condemn me, but ppl do... in this area. i reli feel like i'm sinning just by having a bf at this point in my life. id unno how to describe my feelings. but maybe some of u out der u'd ustd. anyways i'll leave things to God. LORD< U TAKE CHARGE. BE MY LORD.

time to go ..i've spoken too much.. better go b4 someone kills me...:) anyawys i'm fine.. gosh i din even noe i felt so many things til i blogged it out. to u ppl out der, sngle or double, i oni pray dat u noe ur decisions r bet u n GOD. dun let others condemn u or influence u.

Daddy Kay 3rd two BeatRice....

2004-06-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

okla okla.. i noe the title is a big 'L':p
i forgot to talk bout my trip to Bea's house!
followed ken to ipoh, together in the car
was bebe, arwen n Bea.... we started off our
jrny after saturday's talk from Ps Kenneth.
den Ken had to stop to change his pants.
sayin sumtin bout sumtin cant breath..
dunno what the heck dat means * innocent look*
*ladidaaaalalalal~~~* n den yes arwen sayin
sumtin bout LUCKY HIM both girls were usin his
shoulders as pillow...*wink wink* errrrr dunno
if dat's true but he claims so.. n i oni remember
me tryin to keep my head on th opposite side!
Reach ipoh... slept most of the way can hear
bebe n ken tokin dunno wat la.... soomuch to say
heheh n they say GIRLS TOK A LOT!:P
den wego dinner... YUMMY !!FAMOUS IPOH
NGA CHOY KAI HOR FUN! GOSHhhhhh heaven....
was fascinated byt eh pictures put up
..showing famous film stars from hong kong,
taiwan actually were where we were...
they all ate der!! wow! gosh we just call oni
DONKEH! call meatballs,fishballs, whatrva chiekn
inner disgustin parts, soup, breansprouts n chicken!
it was deliiiiicious. den went back to Bea's house!
its gorgeous.. n her parents were lovely ppl!
kept feeding me.. durian la, home made cake la.
packed me some nice sausages n bacon with bread!
.... mangaed to tok to Bea heart to heart talk!
lovely!!!! heheh i thank God for all the lovely
wonderful girlfrens i have around me...:)
good frens are hard to come by n i reli
appreciate dem.:) anway BEA this page's for u!
muaks.. thanks so mcuh for everythin u've done
for me.. been real nice n taken good care of me
on my short stay at ur place... *GRIN*
cya back in cyber!

HOls are Gonee gonee goneee...

2004-06-26T00:07:00.000-07:00

jsut got back to cyber just now by flight.. i've been real notty...
supposed to come back by bus but i was too freakin lazy ...:p
hmm been a real blast this hols.

but the past few days, later in the week was a bit hard for me to swallow.. hahah n its' not even the time of the month. I did wonder whats'rong wtih me? i managed to let out my feelings a lil bit just now.. i feeel much better now... waht i meant was i was feelin reli depressed n sien n bored n annoyed :P wahtever,,, anyways important thing is i'm better now. thrusday night n fri nite were sleepless nights for me.Imagine dat?!! n i'm a pig!! just thiking bout lotsa stuff.. keep goin thru my mind
eg : my future, tests, my future partner, my family, God, thinsg i did , things i'm gonna do, my new house, financial stuff, loans (how to settle)...my loved ones who're not saved yet, my friends, my housemates... now der's a lonnnnnnnnnnnggg list.. i dunno y i'ts all just spinning in my head...

heheh guess i aws too free huh? read rach n liem's blog somehow WISHED I HAD GONE TO MALACCA TOO....:P mmm gosh i hafta go ona's hse one day too! but a funny feeling crept up when i was back with my family durin the hols. felt like i loved dem so much i actually cried when i got bac to cyber.. i'm teelin u sumtin seriously wrong wtih me! all of a sudden i feel so disappointed with myself ..all those times i've argued with my mom ...sumtimes i raised my voice when i shudn't have.. stuff like dat.
sudenly realised they've sacrificed so much for me n i dun treat them good enuff..
soo...:) can't wait for them to move to USJ ..i'tll be just wonderful to feel at home again... hahah this time MUCH NEARER TO CYBER!

SUMMARY OF THE HOLS: i think i got a real headache n started getting reli depressed when i started to study digi comm... ireli havent much patience since den!GOSH! U HAVE NOE IDEA HOW DEPRESSIN! i feel like i wanna bite someone's head off!
n i tension lor.. coz i got 2 papers ..ahhh what the heck... just do it n get on with life;) i watched a couple of good movies, one on father n daughter r/ship, another mother nn daughter....one stupid horror movie, one cool sexy chick movie n some others plus LOTSA MTVs and LOTSA SITCOMS n EPISODES.... i'mma tv freak... N I ATE N ATE N ATE like nobody's business... ALL THE GOOD FOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD OH THANK GOD FOR MY MOM N GRANDMA>>;) heavenly food... sooooooooo seldom i get to eat even a piece of PRAWN MEAT in cyber... it was heaven for me when i got back... n my mom was especially nice to me
this hols. she kept pamperin me with all kinds of food..making sure i'm well nourished:P partly my fault i kept giving her my pitiful look dat i was malnourished in cyber! i guess dat's it... problems in my hometown "..." reli boethere me a great deal.
but the way ppl treat each other reli makes u sick to ur stomach... i'm just Askin GOd for grace ...til we all get outta KB... not dat it's not a nice, peaceful place la:P
just sum ppl are crazy der.....(like me, u say? NONOOOOO~~~@!!!)

well i think i'm gonna go take a nap AGAIN. hope u guys had a great holiday too..
muaks... NITENITE!

nuttin to say just....

2004-06-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

MY STATEMENT FOR THE DAY : i just wanna see the ppl i love be happy.
PERIOD*

BE FOCUSED or BE CONFUSED????

2004-06-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

just got back from cf... Dr Ian shared bout our roles in CF...
one of his points was BE FOCUSED... for some reason i reli saw
BE CONFUSED. n dat's what i jotted down on my notes n jus tot
to myself hmm mayb he's usin revers psychology or sumtin
ya noe... be confused probably is a good thing or sumtin?
wateva ...anyawy it took me bout 15 mins b4 i realised itwas
be focused... honestly... i need prayer... i'mgetting old..:P
*BLEKS*.... RELI THINK BOUT IT.. it's just the letters mixed up
n u get CONFUSED instead of FOCUSED... wow what a revelation..
nitey nites world... i gotta go study for my test tmr...:)
BUBBYE!!!!

weekends' GONE!

2004-06-13T03:54:00.000-07:00

hey guys! i'm back from ipoh!!!:) hmm... okla...got so much food..eat until wanna die dy:Pbut it was reli great spending time with my family!! MY GOODNESS my family getting funnier n funnier each day! everyone's geeting more absent minded, tokin nonsense n doing stupid things!!n GUESS WHAT!!?!!?? finally got a house in USJ 11 house number 62.
hmm dun ask me.. i dunno wheer's dat...but i lvoe thse house..:) its' cosy n lovely...
heheh but i can't move in la... how? cyber so far den i got no car.
the weekend was lovely but tiring... fainnly my fren, Natelyne got married to this MIchigan guy, Curtis:) he's soo cute..:) handsome la actually... n she's a lucky devil..
SO CUTE the flower girls n ring bearer walks in to the dinner in a restaurant, NOT throwing flowers btu shooting BUBBLES frmo a BUBBLE GUN!:P
heheh anyways... sigh now back to reality n sucky food!
on my last blog, i asked if anyone can interpret a line quoted directly from my dad..:P
n oni 1 KIND SOUL responded to me:) heheheh this is waht he saysssss!!!

CHECK THIS OUT-->see, in the palace, the shy empress has a nightly fire in her bed chamber made from the plucked quills of porcupines. It is insisted that the porcupine has a natural death before its quills are removed by silver tweezers. The spines of the porcupine are then plaited into perfect spheres that burn with a strange blue light.and eunuchs, sometimes within themselves have some vestigial desire that remains. A pathway between the brain and the loins, too well travelled to be forgotten, like the pain an amputee can feel, a phantom limb. If one of the watching eunuchs perhaps catch a glimpse of breast, or curve of the buttocks revealed, the spark of desire leaps the gap and stirs the eunuch
zher2: opening valves and dormant vessels being flooded with an unwelcomed blood surge, causing tumescence which leads to an instant death. Therefore the intestines are cut to avoid this blood surge.As eunuchs get pretty turned on when looking at the ShyEmpress under the divine blue flame of the porcupines

cool eh? i myself can never cook up such an INTERESTING, INSPIRING story!! beats ROALD DAHL!!! YAY!!!:P HURRAY FOR ZHER!:P

alicia keys... preach it!

2004-06-08T09:24:00.000-07:00

Some ppl want it all,
But i don't want nothing at all,
If it ain't you, baby
If i ain't got you, baby
Some ppl want diamond rings,
some just want everything
but everything means nothing
if i ain't got you...

My fav song of the year!:) means a lot doesn't it?
think bout it? whats' most important to u?